We’re not sure why our Crap Archivist gifted us with Manology: Secrets of Your Man’s Mind Revealed, by New York Times best-selling authors (seriously, not a joke) Tyrese Gibson and Rev Run (of respective 2 Fast 2 Furious and Run-D.M.C. fame). Maybe he’s trying to cultivate our appreciation of fine crap. Maybe he just had too much crap on his hands. Maybe he’s trying to spread his mission statement — knowledge is power — to the youth.
Whatever his mysterious reasoning, we now have the definitive tome of manly secrets clutched in our hot little hands. Watch out, men! We know everything you’ve been holding back for centuries, and we’re here to spill.
As we were most definitely not expecting from a book that promised to reveal the answers to such pressing questions as, “Will he ever change? Why won’t he put a ring on it!? Should I let him go? WHAT IS GOING ON IN HIS HEAD?” Manology opens with a prayer for our woefully insecure lady souls.
Our prayer is that women that are hurting and disillusioned are able to find beauty in self.
However unexpected, it actually sets the tone for the entire book, which fluctuates from wildly offensive to deeply sincere to strictly dogmatic as its authors air their personal relationships with women, compare their conflicting views on morality, and attach the prefix MAN- to as many words as possible (notable examples: MAN-ogamy, MAN-gician, MAN-ipulator, MAN-tor).
Lest we confuse our two leading gentlemen, the publishers have kindly separated their thoughts not only into distinct chapters but also into different fonts — Tyrese gets a typical Times New Roman, while Rev Run receives a tiny sans serif. If only the publishers of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy had done the same, we would have been able to tell the characters apart!
The first secret we learn from Manology is how Tyrese seduced lots and lots of women over the course of his music career: with magic, of course.
The first things I’d pull out of my MAN-gician’s bag of tricks (hey, why do you think they call it trickin’?) were simple diversions like money or gifts.
Rev Run responds by telling Tyrese it’s time to settle down, and shares his own rock-bottom moment.
Sitting there in the hot tub, watching pieces of soggy pancakes mixed with bits of hair and ash float past me, I felt a wave of revulsion pass through my entire being. …I knew right then and there that I couldn’t live this way anymore. That if I continued down this path, I’d end up killing myself.
It’s a heavy chapter, but the boys know just what we need to clear our heads after all this talk of seduction and suicide — sexy time. First, though, Tyrese just needs to clear up one little detail:
The physical act of sex takes place between a man and a woman.
Got it, gays? Okay, good. Onward to erectile dysfunction!
If your sex life with your man is unsatisfying, there are only two possible explanations.
A) You guys are in love:
Tapping out early is actually a sign that a man is really into you, not only physically but emotionally too.
or B) one of you has malformed junk:
Maybe I was too big and the shape of her vagina simply didn’t match up well. …No disrespect, and not to make anyone feel insecure about their bodies, but a man should feel something.
After this salute to all the girls out there with rhombus-shaped or heavily-used vaginas — stay proud, ladies! — it’s time for a math lesson from Rev Run. Thank goodness. We women all passed high-school algebra by flirting with the teacher, so it’s about time we got a refresher on the basics.
Angela [Rev Run’s daughter] is confident in saying no because she understands a basic math formula that all women must master: Being “boyless” doesn’t have to equal being joyless.
Also, marital rape is sanctioned by the Bible. Just FYI.
Corinthians states, “…defraud ye not one another, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
Basically that means if the other person is in the mood, you have to be ready to go too. You are allowed to jointly decide to take a break from sex for a determined length of time, but otherwise you have to be sexually on call 24/7.
Manology has proved to be such an enlightening read, we literally can’t put it down. There are too many life lessons still to be learned. If you need us, we’ll be hiding under the covers for the rest of the day, eating chocolate pudding and reading aloud to our roommates. Come over; it’ll be fun! Or you can attend Tyrese and Rev Run’s book talk, Q&A, and signing at the Union Square Barnes & Noble on February 5th at 7 p.m.
And guys, don’t think that you’re off the hook just because this book is written for women — you had better make it to the release event too. Copies of Manology make great Valentine’s Day gifts.