Hey, boys, check out this press release: Marnie Stern’s on the market!
WIN A RELEASE DATE DATE!
Win An All-Expenses Paid Date With Marnie Stern On The Day of Her Album Release: March 19
Hipster guys, are you tired of seeing Marnie Stern have relationships with an endless array of losers and bores? Don’t you think a guitarist as great as Marnie should have someone special to watch Law and Order SVU with? Do you enjoy petting dogs while eating chicken wings? And honestly, don’t you think a nice, positively cute, 30-something Jewish girl should meet the man of her dreams? We sure do!
If you live in the New York City area (no long-distance beaus please) and are not a total creep/stalker (we will KNOW if you are), please send an email with your answers to the application questions below, your favorite Marnie song, and a recent photo of yourself. Marnie’s record label will pay for this date, but you’re paying for the next one!
Age, religion, and race are not a factor, but a sense of humor is critical. Marnie’s ideal man is a homebody who doesn’t mind that his girlfriend is out of town on tour a lot, and is not a drug addict, a slacker, or a vegan.
Have no fear, Marnie: your streak of losers and bores isn’t over yet! With gentle prodding from my editor, I’ve decided to submit myself as the perfect candidate: I’m not a vegan, I’m not a creep and I’m not, uh, currently seeking treatment for any drug addictions. I am a long-distance beau, but I trust we can work through that.
Email: email@example.com (please don’t email me unless you’re Marnie Stern or a similarly desperate single)
Age: I’m also 30.
Location: San Francisco, California, but I have excellent phone manners and I’d consider relocating based on the quality of Marnie Stern’s couch.
Height: 6’1″ in shoes, but this being the first question is making me a little suspicious. What is this, my Playmate Data Sheet? I’m not a piece of meat, Marnie Stern, and I don’t need you fetishizing my slightly-above-average height. And if you insist on it, it’s only fair that I get to fetishize one weird thing about you. It’s going to be your sweaters; I’m going to stretch them the hell out and you’re going to hate it. Are you happy now?
Are you gainfully employed? Elaborate. I’m not sure I’d call it “gainful”– certainly not “elaborate”– but I’m an employed and self-sustaining writer with lots of prestigious freelance jobs in the online-only sections of publications that should know better.
When/how long was your last relationship? Well technically it’s still going on, but my current girlfriend doesn’t know how to shred. And supposing she can shred, she’s been hiding it from me! Isn’t a secret that significant arguably even worse than not being able to shred, Marnie? Who’s the real “cheater” here?
What are your hobbies/interests? Video games, drinking, lying down, emotional unavailability, making fun of the less fortunate, frivolity, stretching out your sweaters.
What qualities do you most enjoy in a woman? Definitely sick fingertap solos, but I’ll settle for the usual male desires: compassion; sense of humor (but not better than mine); good taste in music; independent wealth; willingness to cut my hair because I’m scared of scissors and too embarrassed to cry in front of the barber.
List any anti-depressants you currently take: I only take four antidepressants, Marnie: Michael, Micky, Peter and Davy (RIP), administered at high volumes 24/7. If you can’t hang with The Monkees during my darkest hours, which are all the time, then you can take a walk, sister.
What do you know about Marnie and why do you want to date her? I know that she’s a musician who is acclaimed for her guitar work, and I’m pretty sure I heard one of her songs once. I want to date her because didn’t the thing say you’ll pay for it?
What would your most recent ex-girlfriend say about you? Can we get her email? Wait, does “ex” mean the one I’m currently living with who will probably throw me out if I fly across the country for a date with Marnie Stern? Because she’s probably going to be a little steamed about that, so you might want to let her cool off for a little bit before you email her. And if you mean the one before that… let’s give her some time to cool off too.
Where would you take Marnie on a first date and why? Excuse me? I believe the ad said the record label was paying for this whole thing, so I won’t be taking Marnie anywhere. But when it’s my turn to pay, I promise to be a perfect gentleman: I’ll take her somewhere super cheap– like Arby’s– so she won’t be out too much cash when I pretend to have forgotten my wallet.