Last week, acclaimed movie director Dave Grohl told the 15 people who were accidentally watching him fill in as host on Chelsea Lately that Britney Spears “seems dead inside” to him. Disregarding how weird it is to discuss someone’s inner-deadness on the Chelsea Handler set without talking about Chelsea Handler, it made us wonder what other music artists are dead inside. Ten came to us instantly, so we stopped there, because it’s proper list size.
See also: In Defense of Dave Grohl
Skrillex Sometime in 2010 people started getting really into Skrillex without realizing that they were actually eavesdropping on private extra-sensory radio signals sent into the spiritual realm by someone who is dead on the inside. Skrillex’s records are his attempt to phone home. The only drops in his songs happen when he falls to his knees in prayer that his human form will join his spiritual one. His music is not an anthem. His music is a plea. RIP.
Kanye West Although Kanye West was on his way to becoming dead on the inside between the release of his sophomore and junior albums, what really put the nail in his spiritual coffin was getting involved with the Kardashians. It’s actually physically painful to listen to his first album and compare that to the sounds he makes now. When the Illuminati took Kanye’s sperm and injected it into Kim’s ass they also took his talent and his soul. RIP.
Katherine McPhee Katherine McPhee’s transformation into someone who is dead on the inside was a long and difficult one to bear witness to, so I kinda stopped watching it happen after she left American Idol. But now that SMASH has been given a second season for some reason (and Jennifer Hudson was added to the cast to emphasize how terrible everyone else is) it’s harder to resist acknowledging such an exceptionally soul-killing TV shit storm. RIP
Nicky Minaj Nicki Minaj exchanged her soul-parts for life-sized Barbie accessories and butt-parts. The transaction has worked out okay I guess, and nobody needs a spirit in the entertainment industry anyway. RIP.
Steve Aoki Well obviously, right? Steve Aoki wasn’t born with anything alive inside of him. His life arc has been a death arc towards more deadness. He attempts to make up for this by throwing cake and Grey Goose and inflatable rafts into his audiences (I have personally experienced all three and it is AWESOME!) — but I am not fooled. Only a truly dead-on-the-inside person could create the sounds and body motions of Steve Aoki. Also, tickets nowadays cost a months’ rent and that’s a pretty dead-guy-dick sorta move, Steve. RIP.
Fun. As every 14-year-old with an unlimited texting plan knows, nothing is more severe than one word followed by a period. In the case of Fun., nothing is more telling of their inner deadness than their stupid band name. Fun. is symbolic of their fun having ended long ago. It ended long ago because they are dead. So they are Fun. as in Fin. as in Over. as in what I hope will also happen to their career if the Grammy curse is to be trusted. RIP.
Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse is dead on the inside and on the outside and it is still very sad. RIP.
Cee Lo Green This one may come as a surprise, but it’s true. Cee Lo Green died on the inside the second I saw him in a commercial for E-Diets. E-DIETS! If Cee Lo Green was alive today he would be so disappointed. Cee Lo Green loves fried food! Cee Lo Green suggestively plays with the cat from Inspector Gadget! Cee Lo Green verbally undresses beautiful women on live TV! None of these hobbies are conducive with positive life style changes. RIP.
Adele Adele isn’t dead on the inside for the same reasons as most of the other people on this list. Adele is dead on the inside because she gave everything inside of her to the world. She has been the Mother Teresa of sound since 2008, and it is impossible to release so much passion and love into the universe without dying a death of cosmic proportions. Also, she’s a mom now and we all know what that shit can do to a soul. RIP.
Dave Grohl I hate people who make fun of Britney Spears. So I went to Dave Grohl’s Wikipedia page and scrolled down to “Personal Life” hoping for something to make fun of him about. But it’s super boring and the most interesting thing is that his hometown constructed a set of 900 lb. drumsticks in his honor last year. What?? I’m sure some people froze to death last winter building those drumsticks. So let’s just say that Grohl’s dead on the inside vicariously through those deaths. RIP!!!
Dave Grohl, who is dead inside, performs tonight with a star-studded cast (Stevie Nicks!) at Hammerstein Ballroom