New York

Things I Actually Like About The Church


I’m not just saying this so I won’t go to hell–I’ll be heading there anyway, on a Carnival Triumph cruise–but the Catholic Church doesn’t only represent abject horror to me.

Here are some positive things about the whole experience that are lurking on their knees amidst the misty cobwebs of my memory bank:

*The formality and the elaborate rituals did have a certain mystical allure that was almost sexy despite itself.

*The gowns and long pendants on the men was my first exposure to drag, and I loved it, girl! They gave me plenty of fashion ideas at quite a young age.

*The minor keys of the incantations prepared me for the dark tonalities of jazz. Davis and Coltrane sounded easy to me after some of those subservient moanings.

*Organ music is always fierce! I like organs, any organs.

*I loved the texture of the communion wafers as they dissolved on my tongue. They always reminded me of those flying saucer candies (a/k/a satellite wafers), but I never told anyone that, for fear I’d go to hell on a Carnival Triumph cruise. Until now.

*Ever use holy water as a spritzer? You glow all day and night, babe.

*When you finally decide to leave the whole system, you don’t have to send them a notarized leter or alter them in any way whatsoever. You just stop believing and stop going!

And that’s just what I did, hahahahaha!

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