Have you been feeling that the National Anthem is getting a bit tired? Feel like you need to spice up your sense of patriotism? Well, then thank God for the internet and R. Kelly.
In what may be the most creative internetting ever, an angel from Wilmington, N.C. created a petition to “change the national anthem to R. Kelly’s 2003 hit “Ignition (Remix)” It is written:
We, the undersigned, would like the Obama administration to recognize the need for a new national anthem, one that even a decade after its creation, is still hot and fresh out the kitchen. America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and–perhaps most importantly–that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody. President Obama: we ask you to recognize the evolution of this beautiful country and give us an anthem that better suits the glorious nation we have become.
Really, what song better encompasses the spirit of unity than one that includes lyrics like “we got fellas to my left / honeys to my right / we bring ’em both together / we got jukin’ all night”? Our eyes are misting with images of future Super Bowl participants getting verklempt as stars belt this out before the next game.
The song’s already 10 years old; we might as well give it a better future than being played at a bunch of junior high dances. Even though it’s (probably) a joke, who’s in for “just thuggin’ it out” with R. Kelly and America?