New York

The Most Insulting Things Ever Said To Me


No, wait, that could be a book. Or perhaps a series of books.

Let’s just focus on the most recent examples. Here goes nihilism:

A documentary director looking for interview subjects: “We have a wish list of the really famous nightlife people, but right now we’ll do you.”

Same guy later on, when the movie was set to screen: “We had to cut you out, but I do hope you can come cover the screening!”

And then a followup with even more begging for coverage!

TV host to the guest sitting next to me (right before we went on the air): “You’ll be the smart one.”

TV producer at a Broadway meet-and-greet: (Didn’t say anything. Just kept frantically gesturing to me to get out of the shot, as if I were a moth or something.)

Friend after my disco engagement: “Your singing voice has held up pretty well considering how old you are.”

Another friend: “You dredged up that really corny version of ‘I Will Survive’ that you used to do. That was great.”

Yet another pal: “Of course [a certain celebrity] will do the Times and not you. They want prestige!”

Comedian: “You write brilliantly about things that don’t matter.”

Guy in bar: “I can’t believe I’m talking to you. Please come over and meet my friends. They’ll be so thrilled.” (I resisted at first, knowing that these scenarios usually end up in abject horror. Sure enough, I finally went over to them and said hi and they gave me blank looks as if I were a moth or something!)

Girl with clipboard: “What was the name again?”

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