How Random Are NFL Drug Tests? Is Your Grandmother’s House Random Enough For You?


Washington Redskins quarterback Kirk Cousins probably thought his most embarrassing moment in sports was losing the 2011 Capital One Bowl to Alabama, 49-7. That was until the NFL made him take a urine test in his grandmother’s house.

Naturally, this odd arraingment has inspired a veritable golden shower of potty humor. A testing official had to follow him into the bathroom, prompting an writer to ask, “Whose puppy do you have to run over in a past life to end up becoming a specimen verification officer?”

“The answer is Taylor Swift’s. You have to run over Taylor Swift’s puppy.”

I don’t get the joke either, but let’s move on to the Huffington Post: “Nothing personal. Well, except the joint loo occupation at Grandma’s while Cousins did his business.

For all the hilarity, everyone did a piss-poor job of answering the real questions. First, if the NFL knew where Cousins was going to be every day that week, why did they choose his grandma’s house? Couldn’t they have found a more appropriate place? For that matter, how did they find out where Cousins was going to be at precisely that moment?

Is it possible the NFL had some prior knowledge — a security leak, perhaps — that Grandma was distributing performance enhancing drugs to her grandson? Is that why the NFL official had to follow Cousins into the john? Did they think he had a urine sample planted there? And if the NFL was suspicious of something, why didn’t they have their man order Granny into the bathroom as well?

For that matter, why wasn’t Granny forced to pee in a cup?

Cousins informed the world about the incident through a good-natured Tweet (Pee-mail?). He isn’t PO’ed at the league for invasion of privacy.

But after you wet our pants laughing at the whole thing, you might ask yourself “If this what random drug testing really means?” Yes, that’s exactly what it means. In case you’ve ever wondered why professional sports unions resisted random testing for so long, this is the answer. It means “random” in the randomest sense of the word. It means you have to inform the league in advance of your whereabouts no matter where those whereabouts might be — if you’re married and hooking up with your girlfriend, all dressed up for a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, or attending a Brady Bunch revival.



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