What would they be?
It would be extremely difficult for me to whittle the choices down to just five, but let’s play this sadistic little game, for the hell of it. Here come my death-defying picks:
*Vanilla ice cream. Even from a fast-food chain. I’d add lots and lots of rainbow sprinkles, but that would be using up a slot, so let’s not. Just a heaping bowl of soft vanilla ice cream, thank you, with lots of “nakkins” on the side.
*Lemon meringue pie. So tangy, so delectable. It’s soft and hard at the same time, if you know what I mean. Pure heaven on a plate. I’ve never had a bad lemon meringue pie and am certain I never will. Blow jobs, however…
*Fried chicken. I guess I should include a couple of entrees here, so why not some good old deep-fried poultry parts? So frickin’ good that I never stop to wonder if it’s good fer ya. Sometimes I even put the parts together into one whole chicken on the plate–I glue ’em together with mashed potatoes–and then start chomping away.
*Cheeseburger deluxe. And yes, I consider that just one thing, even if it’s got meat, cheese, fries, lettuce, tomato, onions, ketchup, and relish. Taken as a whole, it’s the finest ensemble performance ever given by food. And while it may reek of impending cardiovascular disease, it does so in the most delicious way possible.
*Candy corn. Yep, back to the desserts. I could open my gullet and funnel these in for hours without stopping. Try to grab at one and I’ll bite your hand off. Oh wait, I forgot pepperoni pizza. Throw a slice into my bowl of candy corn and just call it “gumbo,” OK? With extra cheese!
So that’s my recreational menu from hell. Yours?
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on April 2, 2013