In the wake of what, apparently, was the greatest band of all time — My Chemical Romance — breaking up, hundreds upon hundreds of unstable fans are currently struggling to put the pieces of their broken lives back together. There’s a change.org petition requesting that MCR provide a proper worldwide farewell tour (instead of taking the douchebag-ex-BF way out by announcing the end of an era on the Internet). I only know about MCR because I think a song of theirs might’ve played once when I was accidentally inside of a Hot Topic. Regardless, it’s important to help any group of people in crisis, so here are 10 better things that devastated MCR fans could be wasting their time on.
1. Start Your Own Band!
MCR formed one week after the attacks of September 11th attacks, an event front-man Gerard Way witnessed firsthand that inspired him to create music. Luckily for you, tragic stuff happens every day, so there are plenty of things to propel you to create your own band. Just look at the news – People exist who are legitimately against equality for all members of society! We are in trillions of dollars of debt! My Chemical Romance just split up! Use your sadness and channel it into something creative like your hero once did — but then stopped doing … so I guess that’s kind of a mixed message, but give it a go anyway and see what happens in 12 years.
2. Drink More Water!
Dehydration is a far more prevalent problem in industrialized countries than most people realize. It is important to keep hydrated because when you’re not, you may turn into a crazy person. I’m not sure how much water drips into the dark cave of despair that you live in, but I am sure that it’s probably not enough to keep you hydrated. Water cures everything from hangovers to terrorist threats, so it can definitely help you out of your post-MCR depression.
3. Go On A Shopping Spree!
I know it may be tough to step into a Hot Topic now that MCR is over and hearing their precious notes may send you into another downward spiral — but be brave. Somewhere in the depths of Hot Topic you can find a new identity. Being part of the MCRmy was cool for 12 years, but eventually it’s time for everyone to move on. (I don’t even know where my Coldplay jacket is anymore!) Maybe you can become a fan of gauging your ears and judging people outside of an Auntie Anne’s. Or maybe you can become a fan of wearing various neon colored hair-clip-on’s and watching movies ironically. Or maybe you can become a fan of listening to real music. The possibilities are endless. Don’t give up hope.
4. Write a Thesis!
If you’re in college (which I hope you’re not if you’re dedicating your time to MCR message boards and petitions), consider writing your senior thesis about MCR and their battle against being classified as “emo”. Go in depth. Discuss how the emo-ness of a fan base does not dictate the emo-ness of a band. Discuss the complexities of what it means to be “emo” in mainstream culture. Question whether any of this matters. Kill yourself. A+
See also: Live: Emo Titans My Chemical Romance
5. Start a Fashion Line!
It’s impossible for you not to have learned some cutting edge fashion tips from MCR over the years. White hair! Red hair! Black suits! No suits! Take that knowledge and put it towards starting your fashion career. Your prospective clients already exist and they’re really easy to find via Google: Sad MCR Fans. Boom! You’re there. You’ll be famous in no time. Maybe you can even meet the disbanded members of MCR if you do an interview on TV about how your fashion line is inspired by them. But there are a lot of steps to this process, and it’s very time-consuming. You’ll need to learn a lot of craftsmanship and social skills. This may not be a good idea for you. NEW PLAN: Buy some cookies. Mmmm cookies!
6. Join a Convent!
When some people lose all hope, they turn to religion. So why not you!? If you join a convent, you’ll forget all about MCR in no time. In fact, you’ll probably forget what music and happiness and everything is in no time. This is probably the best and most effective way to waste your time — re-devote yourself to God. He may be as fallible and susceptible to randomly leaving you behind as MCR, but at least there will be free wine.
7. Organize a Black Parade!
Instead of lamenting the loss of your favorite band, celebrate the fact that they even existed and gave you so much — like the album Black Parade! Organize an official Black Parade in your neighborhood (if it is safe to have something called a “Black Parade” in your neighborhood) to celebrate the music and life of MCR.
8. Organize a Riot!
Or, take the opposite route! Screw positivity, right? Release your inner pain in the most destructive ways possible, like MCR did on their “Taste of Chaos” and “The World Contamination” tours! (I’m assuming). Set small objects on fire! Conduct drive-by’s on your bike with black nail polish bombs! Make direct eye contact with people over 45. LONG LIVE CHAOTIC CONTAMINATION!
9. Start Listening to Green Day Again Instead!
Start listening to Green Day again instead.
10. Remember What Life Is
Remember that MCR wrote a song about teenagers scaring the shit out of adults and that it was really cool when you were a freshman in high school, but it’s really creepy in hindsight because they were adults when they sang that shit. Remember that none of the people who were in MCR have degrees in biology or chemistry, so they don’t even know anything about chemical romance to begin with. Remember that MCR began their career with a MySpace following and ended it with a blog post. Remember that they’re not as great as you think and that it’s OK to go outside without your ear buds every once in a while. You may hear something even better than MCR. You may hear life. Profanity and traffic congestion is more likely, but it’s worth a shot.