Michigan vs. Louisville: A Highly Scientific Breakdown of Who Will Win


Tonight in Atlanta, the Michigan Wolverines and the Louisville Cardinals will play to find out who is the greatest college basketball team in all the land. Will it be the Wolverines, who, behind the play of standouts Trey Burke and Mitch McGary, have ensured that your Facebook feed has been awash in your annoying Michigan friends’ status updates over the past month? Or will it be Louisville, a team that has banded together to fight for fallen player Kevin Ware, who suffered a broken leg and is expected to make a full, healthy recovery whether or not they win?

We’ve formulated who is going to be victorious based on a completely arbitrary list of factors for the two teams. Despite being arbitrary, this method is scientifically proven to be 100 percent accurate with a margin of error of +/-100 percent.


Notable People From Lousiville:
Muhammad Ali
Jennifer Lawrence
Hunter S. Thompson

Notable People From Michigan:
Kate Upton
Bob Seger
Jack White

Note: Both Michigan and Louisville’s Wikipedia pages stake claim to Thomas Edison, a man who was born in Ohio but lived in New Jersey. Stop stealing dead inventors, Michigan and Louisville.

WINNER: Michigan

Louisville is stacked, but Seger ALWAYS wins. Listen to “Fire Lake” and tell us otherwise:

Michigan’s Nickname: “The Wolverine State,” “The Great Lakes State”

Louisville’s Nickname: “Gateway to the South,” “The River City”

WINNER: Michigan

Wolverines are cool, even if they are way less cool that you’d imagine.


Robocop has a gun that comes out of his thigh. He also has armor and a really strong grip. Secretariat is a fast horse.

Robocop is regulated by a computer chip that only lets him take action against lawbreakers. Secretariat has never broken any laws.

WINNER: Secretariat/Louisville

Michigan’s Tourism Slogan: “Pure Michigan”

Louisville’s Tourism Slogan: “Louisville–It’s Possible Here”

“Pure Michigan,” huh? Mind if I give it a taste? You look nervous, are you sure this shit is the real deal? What are you trying to pull with me here, man? This isn’t even Pure Upper Peninsula! Who do you think you’re dealing with?? Oh God, he’s got a gun! Get down! Get down!

WINNER: Louisville.

Louisville’s slogan has an em dash–em dashes are great.

It’s a tie. Let’s hit ’em up with a TIEBREAK:

Number of Waffle Houses in Louisville: 10

Number of Waffle Houses in Michigan: 0