10 Power Moves for the Utterly Powerless


We live in a civil society. This is a bad thing. Opportunities to flex our muscles and demonstrate our awesome power have become rarer and rarer. Power itself is marginalized, and demonstrations of said power are perceived as vulgar and tacky. How can you break through and show your dominance under such restrictions? Read closely, we’re about to tell you.

10. Order an Appetizer When Everyone Else Is Only Getting an Entreé
This is a classic power move that says, “I’m hungry and I don’t care if my order adds an extra seven minutes to the meal.” Even better, when it’s time for the check, everyone will probably just plop their cards down, effectively paying for your Cobb salad.


9. Add People to an E-Mail Chain Without Notice
What’s that, a friend is planning a small get-together to celebrate her fiancé’s birthday? Well look who you included: three people that weren’t on the original e-mail. Their absence is undoubtedly because they were never invited, but does your friend have the balls to tell them?

Didn’t think so, bub.

8. Ask Someone to Call You Back in Five Minutes, Then Let It Go to Voicemail
This one is sure to make the person on the other end’s blood boil. Got a problem with it? Tell it to voicemail, jerk.

Call back at your leisure. After all, you are in control now.

7. Tag Everyone in a Facebook Photo Except for One Person
Doesn’t matter who you choose; after pulling this sick move, you will own them for life. What are they going to do? Go in and tag themselves? How humiliating. Next time you see them in person, the silent acknowledgement of your otherworldly power will fill the room like a thick fog.

Hope you have your high-beams on, you powerful giant.

6. Get a Haircut Before Going to a Friend’s Birthday Party
Let’s see everyone try to focus on Megan’s special day when you walk into the joint sporting a brand new ‘do. Hey, it’s not your fault that your awesome haircut is getting all the attention. Maybe Megan should’ve focused on achieving more in her 31 years so that she can compete with your fresh cut.

You’re Samson all up in this bitch, baby.

5. Call Someone in the Morning and Ask, “Did I Wake You?”
This will put anyone on their heels. If they were actually sleeping, they will immeditaly deny it (everyone says “no” to this question–it’s an evolutionary development of the central nervous system). If they weren’t, they’ll wonder why you asked. Do I sound tired? Do they think I sleep in all the time like some lazy bum?

The seeds of doubt have been planted in your garden of power. Time to start farming this sucker.

4. Hail a Taxi and Say You Were Just Waving to a Friend
The message will be read loud and clear: You can get a cab whenever you damn well please, and you have friends. Cabbies talk, and your legend will soon spread throughout New York.

3. Press the Elevator Button Even Though It Is Clearly Already Lit
Yeah, you see that it’s lit, but it’s best to make sure. After all, some of these bozos look weak and frail; it’s doubtful they could even muster the strength to summon the elevator. Not you, however. You are on the move, in demand, and trust no one but yourself.

When the elevator does come, who gets the credit? You, obviously, because you pressed the button last.

2. Order Food to a Friend’s House So That It Gets There Before You Do
Before typhoons hit, warning sirens blast along the coast, letting everyone know that a powerful force of nature is bearing down upon them.

Do you see what I’m getting at here? Let the delivery man be your siren. As your turkey burger sits on the counter, everyone will be eyeing it, knowing that at any second, the powerful being who ordered it will be coming through that door.

“Sign the receipt for me?” Oh, that is some tasty power.

1. When You Are Standing in Line, Pause a Couple Beats as the People in Front of You Move Forward
“What is she doing? Does she know the line is moving? I’m sure she sees it moving. Why isn’t she just stepping forward?” Those are the internalized thoughts of the people behind you as you stay posted, cool as ice.

Who cares–we’re all going to the same place right? WRONG: You are going to a land reserved for the confident and powerful. They are just in line at the bank.