This list is from Jeffery Self‘s satirical new book called Straight People: A Spotter’s Guide To The Fascinating World of Heterosexuals.
It’s a ranking of the top 10 foods enjoyed by straight people all over our fine country. Hold onto your Chinese takeout and get ready for the illustrious array of winning foodstuffs for the missionary position crowd:
First of all, their mom’s recipe for spaghetti sauce. (Wait, I must be heterosexual. Should we stop right here? No, let’s keep going and try to learn.)
Secondly, soul food, which Self says heteros like to seek out and devour in a rather patronizing way. Again, I’m obviously straight!
Also, potatoes. Non-homosexuals just love them in any shape or form. These starchy items are even more integral to the breeder crowd than babies and divorces. And once more, I’m the straightest thing walking! I adore potatoes! Get me a woman!
Furthermore, coconut water. The only thing straights ever listened to Rihanna about, says Self. Ooh, guilty! Rihanna speaks, I guzzle.
And then you have Oreos, which are supposedly joyous little hetero heart attacks in the making. But wait a minute, I happen to love ’em! I’d even marry them if it were legal in certain states.
But let me not reveal the other five items on the list. I happen to be a nervous nelly and don’t want to be accused of appropriation. (Or of being straight, lol.)