Why Everyone Hates Old People


That’s easy, especially now that I’m feeling the brunt of some of the hatred.

*They don’t look very good. Their skin sags, their hair disappears, their tummy swells, and lines and creases appear all over the place. Even on the occasions where they look reasonably OK, it’s usually a matter of, “Wow, you look so good, considering how old you are!” Sad, sad, sad.

*They can become so set in their ways. They’ve done it all, seen it all, eaten it all, shtupped it all, and said it all. Now they just kind of float through life, afraid to take the chances they were once burned by while striving for a comfort level that involves cozy, familiar activities served with a nice warm muffin (but nothing on top; it might give you heartburn).

*They’re full of hard-earned wisdoms that they love to dispense at any opportunity. And nothing is more boring than a human fortune cookie. No one young wants to be lectured by someone not-young on what they need to do. They’d rather just do whatever they want, and if they happen to learn from it, so be it. If not, it was fun!

*They remind people of their own mortality. Old people are walking billboards for the fact that life actually ends at some point, and on the road there, detritus sets in signaling the end of the affair. No one wants to look at the ghost of Christmas future when they can live for now and not be annoyed/haunted/instructed by some specter getting in the way.

But let’s try to change all these icky predispositions, people. Be nice to your old people. You might be one of them someday.