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100 Things a Teen Age Girl Wants to Know
Author: W. V. Grant, Sr.
Date: Early 1960s
Publisher: W.V. Grant
Discovered at: Gardner’s Used Books, Tulsa, OK
The Cover Promises: That W.V. Grant had 3,500,000 books in print. Also, that teen girls want to know about topics like sex, courtesy, passion, introductions, and, seriously, “management.”
“No girl really wants to go all the way with a boy.”
“He keeps and operates the car for the same reason you spend so much time on fixing your hair or baking your first cake.”
“Do not ever nag at him or complain too much about things. Why tell him his faults? Better to not say anything about his faults until he asks you. When you get mad, put a dipper of cold water in your mouth and hold it there till it boils.”
Godawful as much of his advice is, faith-healing pamphlet-spammer W.V. Grant enjoyed one serious qualification over all the other mid-century evangelicals who figured that one thing America’s young women needed most was old dudes’ sex-talk that dare not ever venture below the waist. That advantage: When warning girls away from the lying awfulness of boys, Grant at least could draw on the example of his own sumbitch son, W.V. Wright,Jr., a bush-league snake and tax-cheat who still travels from state to state bilking the desperate and vulnerable with the promise of hands-on holy medicine.
Unlike the son, Grant Sr. never spent time in jail. But he did rack up countless hours of something like solitary confinement, just him and his typewriter, banging out what he claimed was over 150 “books.” These include immortal titles I Saw the Antichrist in America, Freedom From Evil Spirits, and that Studies in Crap favorite Men in the Flying Saucers Identified, which is notable mostly for its failure to identify the men in the flying saucers.
Often, he turned his energies to that one task all aging crackpots must: Telling the kids what they’re doing wrong. His finest achievements in this can be found in the pamphlets 100 Things a Teen Age Girl Wants to Know and its companion volume for boys. We’ll get to the latter later; first, here’s W.V. Grant answering real questions [not really questions] from real girls [probably made up by Grant] for their edification [for them to laugh and laugh at.]
His answers often concern the proper role of girls in romantic relationships:
Q. Sometimes I feel tempted to call him on the telephone.
A. It is the boy’s place to call you. You do not want to have the name of running after people. It largely depends upon why you are calling him. If you have a good reason, sometimes it is all right. For instance, if he has been sick, and you really wonder if he is better, he will appreciate a call. It is not good ethics to call him just to get acquainted with him.
Often, he is contradictory.
Q. Sometimes the wrong boy calls me.
A. If you decline [a date] … do not hurt his feelings. You do not need to tell him why. You do not need to tell him a lie. It is best not to tell him that you do not want to go.
And, often, he scolds his questioner.
Q. I wish that I had not consented when he asked me for that date.
A. You should not have led him on for a fall. Perhaps you thought this would help you to be popular and give you a date in time in case there was a drought. But really, in the long run it will cause your reputation and prestige to take a nosedive, if you take a date and then decide later you don’t want it. The word will soon get around. Then you are done for. You will be counted a bad security risk.
He’s more optimistc about where dating can lead than even the marketing department at OKCupid.
Q. I sometimes help him with his homework.
A. Well, sometimes it is all right to do this. But you are endangering your future and security to make a date with a boy who is in the habit of making real poor grades. Most dates lead to marriage.
He seems to want to be boys’ secret wingman, making sure that nothing goes wrong for them:
Q. I want to know about his past.
You are interested in what he is instead of what he used to be. You should not try to dig up the past. If he is a good boy, he will not talk about about a girl that he has gone with in the past. If he is not a good boy, he would resent you asking him.
Q. He asked me to pay for our lunch.
A. Do not jump to conclusions. He may have just been short of money. If he asks you once, go ahead and pay for it and forget it. If he keeps asking you, pay for it and forget him. It is best not to make an issue of it. Slip the money to him in advance and do not make a public example of him.
He’s not inflexible.
Q. I want to help plan the dates.
A. You really should be willing to let him plan the dates and wait until you are better acquainted to express yourself, or until he asks you for advice. Be reasonable with your suggestions, even then. It is all right to ask him sometimes about his plans so you will know how to dress for the occasion.
It’s hard to tell when he’s joking.
Q. He went on a blind date.
A. There are blind dates that are really blind, made by blind people, but don’t you be blind, even if you go on a blind date. These dates are extremely dangerous. Most of these boys who do this have really run out of dates so they have to make a date with a girl who doesn’t know them.
Again, he’s got boys’ backs:
Q. He belongs to me now.
A. You do not have to tell him when he should get a haircut, shine his shoes, or fix his shirt. You are not married to him just because you go steady. Do not treat him like he is a child, or a pet, or a canary bird. You do not need to be with him everywhere he goes. He should have a little free time to be with his own sex or do some work on the side.
He knows that it’s girls’ fault that boys get so handsy.
Q. He is easily aroused.
A. A boy’s sexual impulse may be aroused through either of his five senses. You may not mean to approach him in the wrong way, but it is easy for him to take it the wrong way. … Some boys may be aroused by the way that you dress, or the way that you jump around and twist yourself. It is harder for the boy to quit making love than it is for you.
He’s sometimes eager to set your Crap Archivist up with a joke:
Q. He wants to kiss me good night.
A. Most people say you should not kiss until you are engaged. And some say that even then certain people are not strong enough to do this. Some people may stand to kiss goodnight while others cannot. Certain nerves run from your lips to certain organs of your body. Certain ways of kissing may arouse you or him. Suddenly a holy kiss may turn into a lustful kiss. Some can resist while others cannot. You may be to blame if he is easily aroused. Sometimes you may be surprised in yourself. After all, you are not made of wood.
No, but the boy is!
He wouldn’t have liked the joke at all.
Q. He told me an off-color joke.
Think. Have you given him any reason to tell it? He may be testing you. What kind of reaction did you have? I advise you to be calm and not say a word. Keep him guessing for a few minutes. If you burst out in a rage, he may get a kick out of it and keep on, or he may drop you. The best thing is not to laugh or even smile. Usually he will never do it again.
Finally, why rush into things? W.V. Grant sees nothing wrong with a long engagement.
Q: Suppose I am trapped and yield to temptation before I get married?
A: I know a man who married but divorced his wife because he found that she had committed fornication before they were married. Both their lives were wrecked. For this reason, you should remain single two years before marrying. Then you will be accepted as a virgin.
Sad as all this advice is, the most upsetting thing about the book wasn’t actually written by Wright. In fact, it’s what’s missing. Look at the back cover:
Some poor soul cut out that subscription card and ordered more books.
Other Studies in Crap columns you might enjoy:
Men in the Flying Saucers Identified & much more weirdness from Venice’s most overstuffed thrift stores
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