I Swear, I WILL Become Kid Rock’s Personal Bartender


There are those rare moments — once in a hundred lifetimes, perhaps — when one man’s destiny is laid bare before him, as if God’s secret designs had been suddenly revealed.

One wouldn’t expect to find such an epiphany in the press release discard pile, but yesterday I stumbled upon my life’s true purpose: I am going to win a contest to become Kid Rock’s personal bartender.

UPDATE: The Funniest Fake Entries in Kid Rock’s Bartender Contest

CLERMONT, Ky., May 8, 2013 /PRNewswire/ — Kid Rock is upping the ante on his tour with a bold request – his very own personal bartender to create and serve Jim Beam® cocktails during his cross-country “Best Night Ever” tour. Through a nationwide search, Kid Rock and Jim Beam are accepting applications from fans 21 and over who are ready to take on this challenge and join the rock star himself as his resident bartender this summer. The winning fan will receive a prize package, personal mixologist training and the opportunity to bartend backstage for Kid Rock during three of his summer tour stops.

Mark my words, I will win this thing. I will not rest until I’ve handed Kid Rock his first post-show Manhattan; until that moment, I will devote every waking hour to ensuring my victory. I will memorize the entire Beam product line, from Cruzan to Kilbeggan; I will learn how to spell Courvoisier and Laphroaig on the first try; I will master every cocktail in the world, from the traditional to the whimsical to the avant-garde, and I will repeatedly get dead-serious, brow-furrowed drunk in the process. I’ll even invent a few drinks of my own: maybe I’ll serenade The Kid with the Bawitdaba (Jim Beam and RC Cola, with a tuna juice chaser), or maybe my famous Kid Rock/Scott Stapp Tourbus Sex Tape (Skinny Girl Mojitos and Coors Light).

Throughout my research, I’ll maintain a firm commitment to drinking smart®:

Jim Beam is committed to social responsibility and advises legal purchase age consumers to drink smart®. Through, Beam Inc. educates legal purchase age consumers about how to make responsible choices about alcohol.

I will memorize the entire Jim Beam code of responsible drink smart® tips, because I’ll be damned if Kid Rock is going to punch out any big-dick Motley Crue drummers on my watch.

I’m not really sure how I can rig the odds in my favor. There’s no social media voting component to this, like the one that sent me to Alaska with Pitbull; to get through the first round, all I can do is crank out the best damn 250-word entry essay in the world. Since I’m, ahem, (nods to mantel crammed with Pulitzers) a professional writer, that part should be no sweat.

See also: The Oral History of Kid Rock’s The Polyfuze Method

Yeah, so maybe I embellished my résumé a little, but don’t the ends justify the means? This is an opportunity to serve drinks to an American Bad Ass, a rare chance to give something back to a man who has given our culture so much– a triple-threat legend in the worlds of hip hop, country-rock and Waffle House fistfights.

See also: Scott Stapp Clears Up That Story About the Orgy on Kid Rock’s Tour Bus and Contemplates Suicide

I’ll be truly crestfallen if I don’t make it through to the next round, which involves making a three-minute video to demonstrate my mixology skills and devotion to the Kid/Beam brands. My fear is that it also requires being photogenic and clothed from the waist down, two of my weakest skills. I think my only hope is to stack the deck in round one.

I’m going to need your help, beloved reader. Please, if you have a minute, submit an entry to Kid Rock’s contest that gently implies that you’re a terrible entrant and that I’m an incredibly good one. The trick here is to be very subtle: Kid’s a sharp guy, and he’ll probably figure out what I’m up to if you go too far over the swingset. Here’s an example I’ve whipped up:

Let’s do this thing, people. With your help, I’ll soon be sliding drinks to rock legend.

Please note: this contest also includes a $10,000 prize. If I win, you have my solemn word that I’ll claim to be donating the money to charity.

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