The Funniest Fake Entries in Kid Rock’s Bartender Contest


Last week, I wrote of my intent to win Jim Beam’s Mix for Kid Rock contest, which will let one lucky winner follow the miscellaneous-genre legend to three stops on his “Best Night Ever” tour, filling him to the scruffy gills with Jim Beam cocktails each time.

Since I couldn’t figure out a way to rig the voting in my favor, I came up with a subtler way to cheat: I’d encourage readers to submit lots of terrible entries in order to make me look like the only sane person in the running.

See also: I Swear, I WILL Become Kid Rock’s Personal Bartender

I posted this phony entry as an example to get the ball rolling:

Soon, dozens and dozens of idiot friends and funny strangers answered the call on Twitter, and the contest was flooded with insanity. I’ve compiled a few of the funniest entries– in fact, I’m a little worried that one of these fake ones might actually win.

(Please excuse the variations in quality and formatting; computers are hard.)

“Disco” Dean (@roljui) has the mixology know-how to give Kid exactly what he needs. Honestly, Kid would be a fool to pass this guy up.

But this thing is about more than just drinks– and it looks like my old pal @frknbns has the superior Kid Rock lyrical knowledge to pull it off:

Noted hilarious person Stephanie “@donglord69” Zipnick headed straight for Kid’s heart with this irresistibly slithery entry:

Comedian, media personality and constant cyberbullying-by-me victim Jake Fogelnest failed to embrace the spirit of the contest. Better luck next time, Jake.

This @oatgan fellow was similarly unimpressed with the terms provided:

Writer Dan McQuade seems to be really into the contest, but I’m not entirely sure he knows who Kid Rock is:

On the other hand, @ZSGhost seems to have this thing locked down. When he wins, I hope he’ll let me come along for the ride.

Writer and rising podcast superstar Joseph Fink somehow managed to grab this screenshot of an internal system check:

Cartoon enthusiast @ReneBork offers Kid Rock a lesson in the magic of friendship:

Meanwhile, @buttplanet wants to spread a different sort of agenda:

MC Satellite High brought his famous rhyming skills to the table for his entry. I’m sure the Kid will be impressed by the work of a fellow rap god:

Even if Kid is totally down with Jay Feezy’s opinions, @clynque is here to split the vote with similar ideology:

Seems like @dhartery has the bartending chops to secure this position, but he might not be too comfortable pouring Beam:

Even if he doesn’t win this one, it seems like @spamremix386 has plenty of other skills he can fall back on.

I’m not sure if being a personal friend of Kid Rock will disqualify him from the contest, but Creed vocalist @tresdessert is hoping their shared past will give him an edge:

My favorite comedy jokeboi and championship terrible pun legend @woodmuffin has struggled through great adversity to get where he is:

Unfortunately, it seems like poor Annie “@a_girl_irl” Baubus is just about at the end of her rope:

Elsewhere in the tragedy-to-triumph category, @If_I_fell_ swears to protect Kid from the terrible cycle of abuse:

Here’s a beautiful trip down memory lane from the always-funny @Lowenaffchen:

Zack Parsons, my friend and frequent collaborator (and real writer, too) brings us this delightful entry:

See also: Scott Stapp Clears Up That Story About the Orgy on Kid Rock’s Tour Bus and Contemplates Suicide

Sophisticated humorist Dennis Farrell has the raw masculine power to give Kid exactly what he needs:

Hooting funnyman and Pronunciation Manual mastermind Mike (@DinkMagic) is just in this thing for a good time:

Internet gadabout @virgiltexas is pretty proud of his writing accomplishments. Hopefully Kid will agree:

Writer and chair owner Mark Brendle creates a poignant new literary character in Stanislaus Garbaige:

If I was Kid Rock, I’d want to pick a winner with a true commitment to the American Bad Ass cause, and @Inneapolis is a true believer:

Or there’s, uh, this. Thanks @Paul_Brosnan.

Highbrow humorist and philosopher @weedguy420boner will absolutely NOT tolerate any fake-ass posers in this contest:

Michael “@dogboner” Hale is offering quite a proposal: a two-for-one offer of both himself and his lovely wife:

Last up: @boring_as_heck is one of the funniest people on Twitter, but I think I know him from somewhere else– haven’t I seen him on the news or something?

Many thanks for all these hilarious Kid Rock submissions– with each insane new entry, my own chances go up that much more. I’d also like to thank all those fantastic entrants who I didn’t republish here; there were many more hilarious ones, but I had to narrow it down somehow.

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