Courtney Love recently revealed to Bust Magazine that she had placed an advertisement on Craigslist seeking a female bassist to play in her new (read: renamed) band, Courtney. She requested a musician interested in performing in a “band in the style of Hole” and “in the style of Melissa Auf der Maur.” She received one response and blamed the lack of interest on a lack of female bassists – yeaaaah. The identity of the sole respondent to Courtney Love’s Craigslist ad remains unknown – and that sentence has probably been said hundreds of thousands of times before – but we thought this may be the perfect time for some wild speculation in regards to who the mystery lone bassist is.
In between getting arrested for the possession of marijuana and flaunting her Barbie-Gone-Wrong wig in court, former sane-person Amanda Bynes announced this week that she is going to launch a rap career! (She should!) Of course, rapping and playing a bass guitar are two completely different things – but not to Amanda! Music is music (and if not, she’ll sue)! Plus, the girl needs a job somewhere, and what better way to get back on the right track than put your career path in the hands of Courtney Love? It would also explain why Courtney sent Amanda tweets earlier this week telling her to “pull it together.” Whether this banter is band-mate support or Courtney’s version of a rejection letter, I’m sure everything will work out for everyone involved.
See also: Amanda Bynes Should Be a Rapper
You, Memorial Day Weekend
If you love America, you probably spent most of Memorial Day weekend binge drinking and most of last week sewing together your cloudy starred-and-striped memory (shout out to Betsy Ross!) Once the reality of Monday night hit, continuing the party train with Courtney Love on Craigslist might’ve sounded like the best idea ever. If this scenario sounds familiar to you, please contact us for an exclusive interview on how and why you make so many huge life mistakes.
A Very Confused Sex Addict
Since words like “hole,” “style,” “Melissa,” and the kinky-Euro-sounding “Auf der Maur” were all used in Courtney Love’s Craigslist ad, her one applicant may just be a super confused sex addict. My fingers are crossed for Michael Fassbender, but it’s probably the opposite of Michael Fassbender if Craigslist is their venue of choice and their grasp of the English language is so sub-par. Either way, Courtney needs to work on the clarity of her e-ads ASAP.
See also: Courtney Love Leaves Twitter?!?
Justin Bieber’s Ex-Pet-Monkey Mally
After Justin pulled a Bieber and forgot to get travel documents for his pet monkey Mally, she was kept in a German quarantine jail for weeks until the Biebs could produce the proper paperwork and money to bust her out. He didn’t, and now she lives in a German wildlife park. In the words of Mally (probably), “AWWWW HELLLLL NO!!!” She can’t just go from being a tween diva in a private jet to a basic bitch monkey in a public park! Mally has probably been surfing Craigslist for weeks attempting to make her escape, and Courtney Love’s ad was a dream-come-true. Not only would she be able to work with another unstable blonde lady who would pamper her as she deserves, but she would also be free to pursue her own music career away from the shadow of the Biebs. As far as her actual talent is concerned, I’m sure she picked up lots of useful bassist skills and musical knowledge while living with Justin and may be one of the most qualified candidates alive today.
A Talented Female Bassist
If American culture has taught us one thing, it is that this is the least likely option. Girls don’t play bass guitar! Or sports! Or ANYTHING! They walk around Forever 21 and talk about what happened on Girls last week. If they played instruments, there would be way more of them responding to Courtney Love’s Craigslist ad! Right, Court?