Five (Hypothetical) Game of Thrones Finales That Could Top the Red Wedding, by Someone Who Hasn’t Read the Books


Last Sunday, the psyche-destroying “Red Wedding” episode of Game of Thrones caused the Internet supercomputer housed deep within the recesses of Obama’s basement to melt down into a sputtering, fiery mass. As the nation attempts–still!–to cope with our collective post-traumatic stress disorder, we can’t help but wonder: What could possibly top the scene where [spoiler redacted]? And oh my gods old and new, did you see when [spoiler redacted]?! Admitting that we have not read a blessed word of the books, here are a few scenarios that could potentially have us white-knuckling our blankies in further shock.

1. Jaime and Brienne

Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth finally act on their season-long, smoldering, Mulder-and-Scully-like sexual tension. One does not jump unarmed into a pit to save a lady from a hungry bear unless one is tryna hit that. Upon return to King’s Landing, Cersei Lannister erupts in a jealous rage and challenges Brienne to a duel. The final 20 minutes of the episode sees arguably the two most intimidating characters in all the Seven Kingdoms giving UFC fighters something to think about, as Jaime looks on, frightened and aroused.

2. Parade of Guest Stars

Fearful of falling ratings after the wanton slaughter of half the show’s main characters, producers roll out a parade of unlikely celebrity guest stars. Mass boycotts are organized after Justin Bieber makes a brief, smirky cameo as Joffrey’s new page.

3. Wight Revenge

Everyone who was offed during the penultimate episode rises as wights–ice-zombies touched by the White Walkers-and descend upon King’s Landing to exact unholy revenge. But honestly, the more we think about it, can you think of a more satisfying death for King Joffrey than having him enthusiastically eaten alive by an undead Catelyn Stark? Nope. Probably not.

4. Lannister Jazz Hand

Musical numbers are incorporated into the plot. Jaime Lannister makes jazz hands. Well … jazz hand.

5. Daenerys Settles

Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Mother of Dragons, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, meets a nice boy and settles down in an upper-middle-class suburb of Astapor. Years later, her children will roll their eyes when Mom has a few too many glasses of wine and starts reminiscing about when she was so smokin’ hot a mercenary beheaded two guys to impress her.

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