The Rules of Getting Laid, According to World’s Worst Self-Help Book


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The Rules for Getting Laid

Author: David Graff & Ray Schwartz
Date: 1999
Publisher: Drill Press, Madison, Wisconsin
Discovered at: The Second Best Thrift Shop, Astoria, Queens

The Cover Promises: “Get the sex you want!” “The best sexual and seductive qualities of Hugh Hefner, Larry Flynt, Wilt Chamberlain, Howard Stern, James Bond, and Bill Clinton.” And: “Feminist women and men will try to ban or burn this book!”

Representative Quotes:

If you are worried that you might be sexually preoccupied on a date, you must masturbate before going out. (page 70)

In the monkey kingdom, the most sneaky monkeys get the most sex, not the alpha males, as you might assume. Studies show that while the alpha male is leading and discipling monkeys who challenge his leadership, craftier monkeys are screwing every red-ass female monkey in sight. (page 11)

The how-to guide to life as a monkey-fucking monster “dating commando” determined to “meet and bag women” enough to usher in a new “world of sexual abundance,” Graff and Schwartz’s grubby paperback The Rules for Getting Laid is the rare book to open with a disclaimer pointing out that “any sexual interactions with women must be consensual,” a helpful reminder that, until everyone finally gets it, we should probably consider just straight-up appending to the Pledge of Allegiance.

But for the lovesick hardcases who paid $18.95 (mail order!) for this book there’s no need to put pressure on any one individual woman, because, as the authors point out, there are always more ladies:

There are thousands of women who would be happy for you to fuck them tonight! You just don’t know who they are and you give up too fast when you aren’t willing to face rejection.

So, once you’ve written and asterisked “no rape” in its margins, The Rules for Getting Laid encourages you to wander the earth searching for One of the Women Who Would Be Happy for You to Fuck Her. “If you are rejected, just go on to the next woman,” the authors argue, making it into something of a quest, one to be conducted with “rigor and intensity.”

It’s like a cruel, horny version B.D. Eastman’s Are You My Mother?— you will find her!

Of course, it might take a while. As Graff and Schwartz point out, men should only expect women to show up for a first date about 20 percent of the time, and it’s even worse with women younger than you. (“Bring a book to read,” the authors suggest–presumably not this one.)

Once you find a woman, you have one job: “Make her feel special, and she’ll give you sex.” But don’t waste your energy making just one woman feel like the only woman in the world–remember, as with selling and batting averages, this is all about numbers: “Falling into the trap of only pursuing one woman at a time will eventually leave you with no sex at all–guaranteed.”

And: “Women, we have found out, are ‘a dime a dozen’ if you know what to do.”

Here’s the authors’ advice on which dime-a-dozen ladies are worth your time:

If you start with a woman a bit lower on the sexual-attractiveness scale, there will be less consequence to any screw-up.

There is one important caveat about the women you will meet through personal ads or the on the internet–they are very, very likely to be fat … It’s best to think of them as practice arenas. But do use them, and do practice where your ego isn’t on the line! Once you get used to being seductive, then you can move up to the strippers and Victoria’s Secret models.

Stop prospecting a woman immediately if she is an angry feminist. … They have a venemous streak in them for you just because you are a man. They will want to lecture you about women’s suffering and the hardship of their lives. You can never win with a woman like this. If you do anything she will misconstrue what you did and fight with you.

What killjoys these feminists are–always misconstruing horndogs’ bulk-effort attempts to make women feel special in exchange for sex!

Anyway, here’s the authors’ most striking advice, as laid out in chapters with titles “Don’t Be Her Therapist, Confidant, or Buddy” and “Don’t Expect a Woman to Have Integrity the Same Way You Do”:

Most women will not have sex with you if you do not manage your hygiene up to their standards.

The proper way to handle it when a woman tells you her problems is to appear to be listening attentively and nodding occasionally while you get some good thinking done about any other topic you choose.

Nothing, we mean nothing, turns a woman off faster than the smell of feces.

No woman, no matter how hot she is, is worth getting pregnant.

Women in large cities will rarely give you their numbers. Why should they? You must “accidentally” show up where they work or hang out to establish your credibility.

[When going in for a first kiss …] if she recoils from your touch, than you probably need to create more romantic situations for her first.

Topics like murder, rape, etc. upset most women.

This rule is so important to your self respect, your long-term success with women, and and staying out of jail that we’ve made it into a rule of its own. Never hit a woman! When you hit a woman, on a moral level, she has won.

To recap: Men, there are thousands of women out there who would be happy to have sex with you, but their real goal is to goad you into taking a swing at them. Also: Feminists for some reason don’t care for those men.

Shocking Detail:
The authors share the encouraging story of one “student” who managed to get a woman he liked into bed–only for her to burst into tears and tell him she was a lesbian.

The student did the right thing.

He talked with her a bit, did not pressure her, and she didn’t come around. So he left, went home, and masturbated–ironically, he told us later, to a video of two lesbians having sex. Two weeks later he had his first success with another woman, then another, and hasn’t looked back. “I’m so glad I didn’t pressure her,” he said. “A rape charge would have ruined my life.”

If reading all 156 pages of this book proves to be too much for you, you could always drop $85 on audio cassettes!

Also, remember:

It’s difficult to overestimate the catastrophic consequences of showing this book to a woman. … She will tell your friends, and tell everyone you know that you have a seduction book and are trying to seduce women, She will poison your chances with any woman she tells, and everyone you know will humiliate you by asking about it.

Damn! I should have read that bit before writing! Please, everybody, your Crap Archivist is begging you: Don’t tell any women about this post!

​Other Studies in Crap columns you might enjoy:
Studies in Crap and 1970’s How to Pick Up Girls! Fail to Get You Laid


This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on June 18, 2013

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