Well, it happened. We knew it would be crazy and annoying and that we’d talk and tweet and giggle about it anyway. Kim and Kanye named their baby North. North West. For those of you who arrived here by simply googling ” WHYYYYYYYYYYY?,” here are our most reasoned and intelligent guesses.
To Help Her Compete With Blue Ivy Carter
Beyonce and Jay-Z set the Crazy-Celebrity-Baby-Name bar a little bit higher last January with the birth of (previous-)newest Illuminati Overseer, Blue Ivy Carter. After the initial whirlwind of Internet criticism died down, most people acknowledged that Blue Ivy Carter was a pretty Bad Ass Name. As such, Kanye and Kim had no choice but to name their child something just as incredible, unexpected, and shamelessly publicity-stunty. But following Bey and Jay’s decision to compose their child’s name from their most successful “business” ventures would get Child Protective Services called on their asses immediately. Choosing any name that started with the letter “K” would trigger a national sea of vomit. Naming (trademarking?) their child a direction was literally the only way to go in order for their spawn to have a chance of being the coolest kid on the playground and the ability to stomp all the Apple‘s, Seven‘s, Bronx Mowgli‘s and Blue’s off the yard.
To Give Twitter an Opportunity to Do Its Best Work
I’m going to name my 1st born South East so it will become mortal enemies with North West
— Paul Scheer (@paulscheer) June 21, 2013
North West about to make all my South Pole sweatsuits obselete
— Rembert Browne (@rembert) June 21, 2013
So I’m assuming that North West won’t be a One Direction fan?
— The Dark Lord (@Lord_Voldemort7) June 21, 2013
Looking forward to the memoir “North,” by North West.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) June 21, 2013
oh good when kim and kanye’s daughter has her own fragrance it’ll be called “north, by north west”
— Andy Levy (@andylevy) June 21, 2013
Some day, North West will perform at South by Southwest and East will be so jealous.
— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) June 21, 2013
By this time next year, Kanye West could be heading south east with North West to play South by South West.
— Nick Youssef (@NickYoussef) June 21, 2013
Only a Kardashian would name her baby girl after a pole.
— rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) June 21, 2013
Nicely done, everyone!
To Remind Kanye That Other Directions Exist
Sometimes it’s difficult for Kanye to remember that it’s possible to look in directions other than “West” and “the mirror.” And anyone who actually listened to the lyrics of Yeezy knows he’s been having some issues with basic grammar and manners. The name of their child is an educational tool/app.
To Reserve Her Spot in the Hipster Music Scene
Kurt Cobain. Jimi Hendrix. Macklemore. Death Cab for Cutie. Sir Mix-a-lot. Kenny G. Matt Dillon in Singles. All of the dopest musicians and bands of all time have hailed from the (Pacific) North West.