The Athlete Rap Albums We Should’ve Gotten in the ’90s

There was a time in the mid ’90s where the idea of an athlete releasing a hip-hop album was a radically new concept. It seems almost quaint now; athletes are still putting out rap music today and athletes will be putting out rap music for the foreseeable future, that’s just how branding works. But there was something pure about the old days, it was a little less obvious, there was something that made you actually believe that perhaps Jason Kidd making a song called “What The Kidd Did” might actually produce a viable alternative legacy.

That in mind, I decided to recruit my idiot brother Mitchell to imagine some athlete-rap albums that never existed from our beloved sports heroes that, for mostly better and slightly worse, avoided the trend. We took to Photoshop, designed some album art, dreamed up a tracklisting and gave each album a hypothetical The Source rating and review. Please join us on a journey into your dreams.

See also: The 10 Best Male Rappers Of All Time

Tim Duncan – America Runs On Duncan: Part 2

Track Listing

1 – Come to Daddy (Intro)

2 – Bankshot (Beg For Mercy)

3 – Still Can’t Get Laid

4 – Black and Silver (feat. Linkin Park)

5 – Holland, 1945

6 – 6″11 of Sadness

7 – Why Does Everything I Touch Burn

8 – They All Had it Coming

9 – The Reckoning (Joey Crawford Diss)

10 – America Runs On Duncan Remix (feat. Tony Parker, Manu Ginobili, David Robinson) (Bonus Track)

Hypothetical The Source Rating – 2.5 Mics

Not sure what to make of this. Aphex Twin’s aggressive production certainly is a departure, but what’s the point of the 30 minutes of static at the end of the record? And Tim, the more you write about the illuminati the lamer it sounds.

Randy “The Johnson” Johnson – No New Friends

Track Listing

1 – Down and Away (feat. Pedro Martinez)

2 – M.P.H. (Yeah You Know Me)

3 – Randy Johnson is Rapping On An Album

4 – I Like It When You Call Me Big Unit (feat. Notorious B.I.G.)

5 – Brontosaurus Chain

6 – I’m One Weird Looking Motherfucker

7 – K/BB (The Motto)

8 – Let Me Love You (feat. Flo Rida)

9 – In Walnut Creek (feat. Joanna Newsom)

10 – First Pitcher in Space

11 – There Will Never Be Another Randy Johnson Rap Album

Hypothetical The Source Review – 3 Mics

Surprisingly good flow here, Johnson displays a genuine appreciation of hip-hop throughout; the Black Moon reference on “Brontosaurus Chain” is especially surprising. Unfortunately weighed down by too many R&B numbers, and maybe one too many lame punchlines (“Got your girl for a minute then I let her go/ Like that one time I played for the Houston Astros,” ugh.)

Ichiro Suzuki – Take Care

Track Listing

1 – Over My Dead Ichiro

2 – Shot For Ichiro

3 – Headlines (About Ichiro)

4 – Ichiro Love

5 – Take Ichiro

6 – Ichiro’s Room

7 – Buried Alive (Ichiro)

8 – Under Ground Ichiro

9 – We’ll Be Ichiro

10 – Make Ichiro Proud

11 – Ichiro Knows

12 – Ichiro / Good Ones Go Ichiro

13 – Doing Ichiro Wrong

14 – The Real Ichiro

15 – Look What Ichiro Done

16 – HYFR (Ichiro)

17 – Ichiro

18 – The Ride (feat. Ichiro)

Hypothetical The Source Rating – 1 Mic

You know, for a second this album actually tricked me into thinking it was a classic. That was a close one.

[

Henrik Lundqvist – Come Child

Track Listing

1 – Ohm

2 – Don’t Be Afraid

3 – I’ll Protect You

4 – Goaltending Your Heart

5 – All The Little Spirits In My Celestial Net

6 – Children Of The Night

7 – Your Swaddler

8 –

9 – All Religion Is Real (feat. Bun B)

10 – God Is Love And Love Is All There Is So There Is No Opposite

11 – I Am Everything And Nothing Hurts

12 – Please Don’t Think About This Season

Hypothetical The Source Rating – 5 Mics

There are no words; this is the Platonic ideal of music. I feel whole, I feel found. I had no idea Henrik Lundqvist was such a rave kid. The Bun B feature is pretty good too.

Ricky Williams – There’s No Need To Be Upset

Track Listing

1 – Meditation Cycle (Parts 1 -6)

2 – Hey-Kai, Brohem

3 – Peace (feat. Israel Kamakawiwo’ole)

4 – Dat Izzy Bizzy

5 – 4am in Olympia

6 – I Don’t Even Like Football But I’m Big And People Tell Me I Should Play It

7 – Peyote Avalanche (feat. Michel Gondry)

8 – Tuna Melt With Cup Of Soup For $4.95

9 – Cartoon Network

10 – Circle of Life (feat. Amon Amarth)

11 – Dreds A Make Her Dance

12 – Pound The Rock (feat. Priest Holmes, Eddie George, Deuce McAlister, LaDanian Tomlinson, Corey Dillon)

Hypothetical The Source Rating – 4 Mics

I’ll admit, I didn’t have high hopes when we interviewed Ricky last issue. The idea of a rap/jam-band fusion album sounds like a terrible idea. But I have to say, There’s No Need To Be Upset really cashes in on its name. There’s some really solid vibes here. We’re all really excited to see where this rap-reggae trend goes next!

Ten Metal Albums To Hear Before You Die
LL Cool J’s Most Bizarre Moments
Making Sense of Miley’s We Can’t Stop Video

---

Follow @soundofthecity