These men and women have reached the pinnacle of success in classical musicianship. Decades of drive, discipline, and determination have honed their immense talent, permitting their ascent to breathtaking heights of excellence in music: The New York Philharmonic.
So, who is the most bangable?
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10. Sheryl Staples Violinist Sheryl Staples joined the New York Philharmonic as the Elizabeth G. Beinecke Principal Associate Concertmaster in 1998. She is seriously bangable. We would so bang her. Bang her all night.
9. Marc Ginsberg Marc is a graduate of The Juilliard School and received a Fulbright scholarship to study in Paris. We would bang him until neither of us could bang a second longer.
8. Carter Brey Carter Brey is the orchestra’s cello soloist, and hasn’t looked back since winning the Rostropovich Cello Competition. We would look back all the time if he were banging us.
7. Case Scaglione Case was the 2011 Solti Fellow, and has guest-conducted in Cleveland, St. Louis, Baltimore, and Los Angeles. If he guest-conducted in our bed, we would hear this: tap, tap, tap … silence … TWO SOLID HOURS OF BANGING.
6. Hae-Young Ham Ms. Ham has two degrees from Juilliard and is a fixture in the chamber music community up and down the East Coast. Up and down, side to side, flip me ’round, spread me wide, slow it down, speed it up, that’s how we win the BANGFEST CUP. Ms. Ham also studied with Josef Gingold and Felix Galimir.
5. Kuan Cheng Lu Did you hear that loud bang? Must be a time-travel echo from the future, when we share a hot, sweaty, drippy, gritty, bangitty-bang-bang marathon. Kuan is a first-round draft pick in the bang-till-we-black-out draft. He’s also the first Taiwanese musician to join the Philharmonic in its 170-year history.
4. Hyunju Lee Cute bangs? Cute bang, more like. Hyunju made her solo debut with the Seoul Philharmonic. We’re taking a solo right now. What should we think about? Oh wait: banging.
3. Sandra Pearson Ms. Pearson is the orchestra’s assistant principal librarian, and her interests include kayaking and crossword puzzling. What’s a 12-letter word for our favorite thing to do with Sandra? Does BANGBANGBANG fit? Yes! Let’s bang in a kayak! Also, Sandra assisted in recording sessions for the Oscar-winning motion picture Saving Private Ryan.
2. Satoshi Okamoto Satoshi is acting associate principal bass. He has played at the Aspen Music Festival eight times, winning twice. Here’s how we would bang him eight times: bang, smoke a cigarette, bang, make some food, bang, Netflix, bang, frozen margs, bang, Kraft Food Lunchables, bang, did you get that e-mail about August?, bang, yes I replied, bang. He wins all eight bangs. Satoshi has a bachelor’s degree from Tokyo University of Fine Arts.
1. Elizabeth Zeltser CHURK-CHACK! One bang bullet, locked and loaded. Get ready to bang the big one. Cover your ears and prepare for a mighty bang, because we’re taking the best bang all the way to the bang-bank. One shot, one bang. That’s the bang sniper motto, missy. We’ve covered all the bangles, and we have caught you bang to rights in our bang-sights. Elizabeth’s father is Mark Zeltser, the renowned concert pianist.
Tom Cowell appreciates the classics. He’s on Twitter at @mrtomcowell.