Being Beyonce is apparently a tough gig to pull off. Not only is she a pop icon, she’s also a faux-baby-bump-sporting member of the Illuminati who is buying Neverland Ranch. And that’s just the Bey of the past year or so.
Look back a bit further and you’ll figure out that she’s been pregnant once a month for at least four years or so, and she’s slept through a Japanese earthquake to boot. The Beyonce rumor mill is always churning up newer, more ridiculous shit, giving us some of the most absurd headlines.
Bey will be in town at Barclays at the beginning of next month for her Mrs. Carter Show World Tour, so we figured what better way to help you prep for the madness than to remind you of the many ways the world is obsessed with Queen Bey, courtesy of some of the worst Beyonce headlines around.
So here ya go — welcome to our Beyonce rumor roundup. Prepare yourself for a boatload o’ stupid, and a whole lot of pregnant. Jay Z must be a serious stud.
“Madonna Snubs Gwyneth! Ignored Her Former BFF For Beyonce At Met Gala”
Only the highest level of Illuminati diva could oust Gwyneth Paltrow from her spot as Madge’s BFF, so I suppose if you’re going to fuel a fire, it might as well be with something kind of flammable, right? (Radar Online)
“Eating For Two? Beyonce’s $1k Feast In Ireland — 28 Whole Chickens, 10 Sides Of Corn”
Bey must have the worst pregnancy cravings of all time, and I’m slightly scared for her insides, because I’m not even sure the dude off Man Vs Food could consume such a massive amount of chicken — even if he happened to be pregnant. (Radar Online)
“Did Beyonce Fake Her Baby Bump?!”
I’m not sure which of the hundreds of pregnancies this is from, but I suppose if the rumor was good enough for Katie Holmes, it’s good enough for Beyonce, right? It’s totally normal for celebrities to sport prosthetic baby bumps in order to cover up the fact that they used a surrogate for, well, I’m not sure entirely what they used a surrogate for. (AOL Music Blog)
“Beyonce’s new song sounds like something that was cut from the rave musical inspired by The Jungle Book”
I just really like the idea of a song sounding like it was cut from anything rave-Jungle Book-ish. It would be brain-overload if the thing actually existed, though. (DListed)
“The World Will Be Graced By The Presence of Another Holy One, Reportedly”
The knocked-up rumor ticker is clocking in at No. 1,986, 714. That poor girl is always pregnant. (DListed)
“‘Bey-Z’ took a look at Jacko ranch”
So according to the media rumor mill, Beyonce and Jay Z not only toured Neverland Ranch, they were also quite serious about purchasing the damn thing. No one wants it. No one. Especially not Blue Ivy. (New York Post)
“Beyonce Bans Kim Kardashian From Inner Circle?”
I hope this is the Illuminati inner circle that she’s banning her from. Also, really, Christian Post? I’m confused by your coverage of Beyonce. (The Christian Post)
See also: Why Kanye and Kim Named Their Baby North
“Beyonce Cheated On Jay-Z According to His New Song “Holy Grail”
Well, you know… ’cause every song Jay Z has written has got to be about his relationship Beyonce and not, oh, other shit from his life as Shawn Carter. (Celebrity Dirty Laundry)
“Beyonce’s Pregnancy May Be a Strategic Move to Keep Jay-Z From Cheating on Her”
Well, now who’s cheating on whom, huh? I would also like to point out that I wasn’t aware that a show about filming fools gettin’ it on in the park with their mistresses also doubled as a Beyonce fangirl site. (Cheaters.com)
“Beyonce’s Illuminati sign at Super Bowl raises questions”
And what deep questions they are, those Super Bowl/Illuminati sign inquiries. I’d put them right up there with whether or not Katy Perry and John Mayer are back together and how to solve world hunger. (Examiner)
“Beyonce Accuses Kim Kardashian of Trying to Steal Limelight From Jay-Z”
Unless Kim Kardashian succeeds at becoming some uber-popular rapper, I’m guessing Bey has very little to worry about in the way of limelight-stealing. I suppose if we hear Kim’s voice featured on the followup to Yeezus, we’re all in trouble. Especially Jay Z. (Radar Online)
“Beyonce Reveals 60 Lb. Weight Loss: ‘I Ate Lettuce'”
I’m not even sure what to say about this one. I’m assuming she ate more than just lettuce, but I suppose it could work in a way you should not try ever. (Radar Online)
“Oprah Winfrey Is Not Beyonce’s Baby’s Godmother, Says Gayle King”
There are way too many redirections in the above headline, and I’m confused. (Radar Online)
“The Curious Case of Beyonce’s Baby Bump! Where Did It Go?”
I’m going to just go the old quoting-Kanye route and say that this is some Benjamin Buttons shit. (Radar Online)
New Evidence Suggests . . Beyonce May Be CARRYING AROUND A FAKE BABY!!!
Well, of course she is. It came out of her fake bump, stupids. A real baby couldn’t survive in a fake bump for more than a week. Everyone knows that. (Media Take Out)
“NOT AGAIN!!! We Caught Beyonce . . . Wearing Her FAKE HIPS At Last Night’s CONCERT!!! (She Needs To STOP IT With All These . . . PROSTHETIC BODY PARTS)”
And they need to stop it with the blatant!!! abuse!!! of!!! PUNCTUATION!!! (Media Take Out)
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on July 10, 2013