Last Friday Lady Gaga revealed on her website that her new album would be released on November 11th. It will be called ARTPOP. She elaborated (of course) with the following gibberish: “ARTPOP explodes onto the physical and virtual universe at once on November 11, our ‘BIG BANG! On this day HAUS OF GAGA venges with forte to bring the music industry into a new age; an age where art drives pop, and the artist once again is in control of the ‘icon.'” In case you don’t speak Self-Obsessed-Fame-Monster, we’ll break down what to expect from Lady Gaga’s upcoming album.
An end to several global conflicts. Is the superstar in charge of creating the icon or does their management team hold the power? SUPERSTAR, says Gaga. Did the world begin with the tender hand of God or with a big celestial bang? BIG BANG, says Gaga. Is it called “soda” or “pop”? POP, says Gaga. All of these questions are answered in the description of the album alone, so imagine what other age-old conflicts Lady Gaga will ceremoniously put an end to through song!
An app that indirectly re-incarnates Andy Warhol. Lady Gaga’s album is accompanied by an app (of course) that “is a musical and visual engineering system that combines music, art, fashion, and technology with a new interactive worldwide community – ‘the auras.’ Altering the human experience with social media, we bring ARTculture into POP in a reverse Warholian expedition.” Whoa whoa whoa, Gaga. Reverse Warholian? No diva bitch steals the thunder of that diva bitch. (Especially since he still outsells you at Urban Outfitters, better recognize!) Zombie Warhol is bound to set the world right again by turning ARTPOP back into POPART and engaging in a war with Gaga over what revolutionary artwork really is. He ain’t scared of no electronic “auras,” but she better be scared of his. Expect this neon colored battle to be broadcast LIVE on the applications of both divas and bring The Walking Dead to an end.
Lady Gaga’s temporary relocation to the MoMA. If she survives the zombie battle with Andy Warhol, it’ll be Gaga’s turn to upend another diva–Tilda Swinton. How dare she live in a box at the center of the art world for days at a time whenever she wishes? INTRODUCING: MoMA Goes Gaga. As of now it is unclear whether the MoMA will sign off on this, but Gaga will definitely be living inside of the MoMA anyway in order to randomly appear underneath, on top of, and inside of a number of exhibits and paintings throughout the museum. She will do this for however long it takes to establish her experimental physical artistry as superior to everyone else’s.
An absurd amount of name dropping. Ever since Jay-Z basically had sex with Jean-Michel Basquiat over the entirety of Magna Carta Holy Grail, as well as mentioning all of the famous artwork he owns and museums he (probably) owns, Lady Gaga has been making a list of all the artists she has looked up to/knows/appreciates/pretends to understand to show the world that only one person is capable of treading the line between respectable art and mainstream music–and that person is Lady Gaga. By the end of ARTPOP, the world will recognize that she knows more dead men with paintbrushes than anybody else in the game right now.
Complete silence. We can hope, right? Talk about next-level shit.