Ever the classy lady, Azealia Banks is Twitter feuding once again! This time, the target of her ire is British powerhouse Lily Allen. Their e-quarrel officially kicked off after Azealia said Allen’s husband looks like a thumb and her children are ugly. Well alright then! Since this battle has been going on for a couple of days now, we decided–in order to put this publicity stunt to an end peacefully–to declare a winner and speculate about which artist would win if the two actually squared off in the physical realm. This declaration and speculation will force all parties involved to move the fuck on. Ready, set, rawr!
See also: Angel Haze vs. Azealia Banks: Who Won?
Physical Strength: LILY ALLEN
Azealia may have a pretty wicked physique from all of the swimming she does in her alter-mermaid life, but Lily Allen is a pro-wrestler (AKA mother of two small children) and could probably capture the slight-framed Azealia in a choke-hold fairly easily.
ROUND 1 SCORE: Azealia: 0, Lily: 1
Written Abuse Background: AZEALIA BANKS
Although Lily has penned many an abusive song about ex-lovers and foes, Azealia is the reigning champion (at least in terms of fights initiated and survived) of Twitter chat warfare.
ROUND 2 SCORE: Azealia: 1, Lily: 1
Verbal Abuse Background: AZEALIA BANKS
Her verbal abuse skills are on par with her written–Aealia’s not afraid to plunge her hand deep into the chest of any peer, critic, or unicorn and tear their heart out with the game she spits.
ROUND 3 SCORE: Azealia: 2, Lily: 1
Best Accent: LILY ALLEN
This isn’t purely Azealia’s fault–our one weakness as a country is a British accent.
ROUND 4 SCORE: Azealia: 2, Lily: 2
Best Hometown: AZEALIA BANKS
England may have given her the doper accent, but we’re natural Homers. The 212 always wins.
ROUND 5 SCORE: Azealia: 3, Lily: 2
Entourage Size: LILY ALLEN
Azealia may have a hardcore fanbase and hail from New York City, but nothing rivals the strength of bloodlines and the family that Lily has to back her up. Her fam bam is definitely a formidable entourage to go into in battle with.
ROUND 6 SCORE: Azealia: 3, Lily: 3
Twitter Posse Size: LILY ALLEN
Unless Azealia is planning on commanding a (successful) Spartan expedition, her Twitter clique of 355,000 stands no chance against Lily’s army of 4.2 million.
ROUND 7 SCORE: Azealia: 3, Lily: 4
Number of Years in the Game: LILY ALLEN
Sorry, Azealia, but the numbers don’t lie–Lily’s been singing her heart out since 2002 versus your start in 2008. You’ve gotta have been making music for a longer period than Justin Bieber before you can earn any street cred for experience.
ROUND 8 SCORE: Azealia: 3, Lily: 5
Best Hair: AZEALIA BANKS
Azealia’s hair comes from the actual scalps of actual mermaids and is dyed into beautiful wreaths of neon hombre with their magical tears. Lily’s a brunette. Sorry, girl.
ROUND 9 SCORE: Azealia: 4, Lily: 5
Higher Alcohol Tolerance: AZEALIA BANKS
Those mermaids Azealia gets her hair from? They don’t live in water. Lily better hope this fight doesn’t come down to a drink-off.
ROUND 10 SCORE: Azealia: 5, Lily: 5
Higher Drug Tolerance: LILY ALLEN
Lily’s a rock star from England–it’s illegal for her not to breathe hard drugs. Azealia even called her a crackhead in their Twitter feud! Azealia better hope this fight doesn’t come down to a snort-off.
ROUND 11 SCORE: Azealia: 5, Lily: 6
Best Real Name: TIE
When the two contenders have names like Azealia Amanda Banks and Lily Rose Beatrice Allen, how can a winner ever be chosen? One sounds like the long lost twisted sister of Amanda Bynes and the other like a fictitious headmistress at an evil all girls school in the early 1800s.
ROUND 12 SCORE: Azealia: 6, Lily: 7
Best Stage Name: AZEALIA BANKS
Lily Allen is a beautiful name, but nothing beats Yung Repunxel. It makes one of my eyes twitch each and every time I try and pronounce it in my head. I’ve never even said it out loud. I’ve had nightmares about mispronouncing it in public. That is when you know you have a bad-ass, fight-winning, performance-enhancing name.
ROUND 13 SCORE: Azealia: 7, Lily: 7
Most Musically Talented: LILY ALLEN
At the end of the day, the winner of any Internet dust up is the one that has the better life. “Better” can be defined in terms of physical and mental wealth, time not spent online, and overall health and wellness. But since this is the music industry, we’ll define success by which of the two would win in a sing-off. Lily’s experience, versatility, and unfaltering status as a powerhouse singer gives her the lead over the still young-and-in-development Azealia. It’s game over from here.
ROUND 14 SCORE: Azealia: 7, Lily: 8
WINNER: LILY ALLEN