Mr. Len’s Guide to Surviving a Catfish Situation and a Zombie Apocalypse


Editor’s note: In Tweets is Watching, Phillip Mlynar asks local artists questions based solely on the contents of their Twitter timeline.

Mr Len recently released The Marvels of Yestermorrow, a project that he guarantees is “the most comedy you’ll get from an instrumental record ever.” On the basis of his fine Twitter talk, we believe him. Here’s Len studiously explaining how to deal with the impending zombie pizza delivery guy apocalypse, a real life Catfish situation, and how he’s invented a revolutionary cinema snack.

See also: Big Rock Breaks Down His Porn Name and Mustache Game

Who is the zombie delivery guy?
Yesterday, I was going to the pizza spot and I saw this delivery guy and he was limping a little crazier than normal and I looked down at his leg and he had duct tape around his pant leg! So I said, “Hey, man, how you doing?” He just said, “Eeurgh.” What the fuck? So I thought to myself, “This guy might be a zombie.” When I’ve ordered food from there before and he delivers it he never really says much, he just shows me the receipt. Even when he speaks it’s mad monotone and groaning. He’s obviously not like a special person, you know, there’s just something wrong with this guy.

Is he any good as a delivery person?
You know, when your job is really to drive to the location and hand the food over, it’s hard to be bad. He doesn’t have to cook the food. Which is good ’cause all he would cook would be brains and no one would want to eat that except maybe him.

You don’t think there’s a chance that zombies might be good cooks?
I’m gonna go ahead and say no; I think that zombies make horrible chefs. First, ’cause they only have brains on the brain and, while it did look really delicious when Hannibal cooked it in that movie, I just don’t think we’re ready to have a brain as a pizza topping.

If the zombie pizza guy tried to attack you, how would you fend him off?
Well, I always thought that zombies are not the best runners in the world and I feel that people get caught by zombies ’cause they get overwhelmed by how many of them there are. So because there’s only one I’m pretty sure I can outrun him.

Is there any chance of the zombie pizza guy getting a cameo on your next musical project?
It’s funny you should say that because I was trying to think of how I could work him into doing something without actually telling him, like having cameras on him.

That could be bad karma.
Yeah, and I think that he’d probably have a really good zombie lawyer. When I think of all the brains they absorb, something has to stick.

So is it fair to say Mr. Len is prepared for a zombie backlash?
I am absolutely prepared. I have axes, bats with nails in them, you know, all the good skull-crushing apparel and weapons you need.

Which rappers would you call on to help you fend off a wave of zombies?
I’d think about the rappers where I don’t think zombies necessarily want to eat their brains, you know? Like KRS-One is way too smart, it would be overwhelming; the zombies would be like, “Nah, I don’t want to have to do all that thinking.” They’ll stay away from KRS so I’d hang out with him. Then someone like Suge Knight who knows he’s going to beat the shit out of someone he can beat the shit out of. He might be a good move. Then also M.O.P. ’cause if their songs are anything like how they are in real life with the guns I think we’d pretty much be saved.

That sounds like an effective zombie militia you have there.
And speaking of “The Militia,” Freddie Foxxx absolutely! Good call there, thank you, you can be protected by the zombie militia.

What’s the popcorn and M&Ms combination snack you’ve invented?
I was in the movie theater once and they were saying the things you should buy and it was popcorn and M&Ms they were pushing. I bought the two of them and thought I’m not gonna sit there and eat one and then eat the other, so I thought I’d pour the M&Ms in the popcorn. First of all, most people think that sounds crazy until you have it –it’s just a winning combination. It’s savory and sweet so you can’t go wrong. I mean, you miss a lot of the movie ’cause you’re stuffing it down you, but it’s worth it.

What was going through your head when you had this moment of inspiration?
Partly that this weed is really good, ha ha! I was thinking that it just had to work. It’s almost like using your Twizzler as a straw: You bite the two ends off of a Twizzler, you stick it in your drink and you have a Twizzler straw. It’s just practical; it’s edible silverware almost. It all kinda falls in line. Like cheap fruit punch would be Skittles and cold water. It’s just the little things in life that get you through.

Is there a correct ratio of M&Ms to popcorn?
Yes, because when you go to a movie they try and sell you these really huge bags of popcorn so you’re gonna want to order a small and you’re gonna want to two-bag it with the M&Ms. But once you’re there, you are going to finish this combination.

Can you remember the movie you were watching when you invented this snack?
Green Lantern. It definitely sucked.

What’s the Super Camp thing you volunteered for?
That was a friend of mine, she has about 15 or 20 girls that are really super intelligent and she asked me to come through and teach them musical timing. Black Thought is also involved in founding the camp. These girls were super smart and really cool and I found out they were really soulful. They had their own Super Camp song so I taught them where the one is and how to do a little break-down in their own record.

Did you do much preparation for the class?
Yeah, a little bit ’cause I didn’t know how to talk to kids without sounding angry! And the fact that most people don’t know where the one is in music, so you can’t go in there and be condescending. Also, most of them were probably smarter than me when it comes to other things so they probably didn’t want to hear me talking down to them.

Is it hard to teach people about rhythm?
Yeah, it’s hard. Some people just don’t get it, like they’re the people who end up dancing to the words.

Are you a fan of MTV’s Catfish?
Not a huge fan. I’ve watched a couple of episodes and I remember the last one I watched the person didn’t get catfished, and I was really upset about it. I didn’t turn this show on to watch people be happy!

Have you ever been catfished yourself?
No. Well, I have years ago when there was a girl I met online and she only took a picture from like her neck up so when I met her I was like, “Oh, I didn’t know you’re a lot different than I envisioned.” It’s that moment you realize–just take a full body shot.

Where did you take her on that first date?
I don’t even remember. I just remember being in such shock!

Do you have any tips for someone who ends up in the same situation?
You know that sign that says, “Keep Calm…”? I’d say keep calm and act normal!

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