The New York Post seems to think that the problem at Clemente Ballfield in Crotona Park in the Bronx is the hawks nesting atop floodlights. To be sure, the birds are scaring little-leaguers when they swoop down to the field during plays.
But here’s the really alarming piece of this story: “‘They’re always there. Sometimes they confuse the kids,’ she added, explaining that the birds are often the mistaken [sic] for balls.”
Hawk infestation be damned, why are children confusing birds of prey with baseballs? This is a crisis of calamitous proportions. Moms and dads of Crotona Park, have you been seeing signs that your kids have a hard time distinguishing winged beasts and inanimate objects?
Does your local school’s curriculum teach that “bird” and “baseball” are at opposite poles of the spectrum of “things”? Had any conversations with your kids in which you describe the difference between a feathered raptor and a ball of yarn covered in leather?
Worse, this could be an occult happening. A malevolent spirit has perhaps bewitched all your innocents, their stupefied little hands clutching at a fly ball, only to discover that it is, in fact, a hawk.
Hire a tutor or an exorcist, whatever, help your children. This is on you, parents of Crotona Park. The fate of our society hangs in the balance.
Oh, also: “fowl” ball.
Send your story tips to the author, Raillan Brooks.