The Beats Pill Talks Lots of Shit in New Advertising Campaign


Before Sunday night’s VMA’s unleashed a new advertisement campaign for the Beats by Dr. Dre Pill, publicity for the new speaker system was primarily limited to celebrity subliminal messages and creepily exploiting it’s phallic shape through Robin Thicke and his merry gang of scantily clad “Blurred Lines” super models. Things couldn’t get stranger.

But then they did. Instead of featuring ass and titties, the new commercials transform the Beats Pill into angst-filled animated alien-like figures. It’s difficult to decide which strategy is less creepy and more convincing. So let us take a look at the new commercials and lay out the pros and cons.

See also: Ten Reasons Why Dr. Dre’s Detox Will Be Great


This commercial is certainly an attention grabber! It’s great to hear the voices of Tichina Arnold, Chris Rock, and Eminem, because I haven’t heard from them in a while. I like that they’re not at all self-conscious about their oddly shaped bodies and have maintained a refreshing, confidence.


It makes me uncomfortable that Chris Rock voices the black Pill and Eminem voices the white Pill. I know there are more colors of Beats Pills to choose from–like, c’mon now. Additionally, the complete silence of the red Pill and it’s degradation by the pink Pill as it tries to take an innocent selfie isn’t very nice, and I feel like it’s a personal attack on Instagram users. Still not sure if that’s a total “con”, but I felt victimized. I’m also not sold by the Apple-esque all white background the Beats Pills are introducing themselves in front of. Why so official?


The government isn’t the only agency spying on us–Dr. Dre is too, because I’ve had this exact conversation in front of a cheap ass television in the dark with my own friends multiple times. The Beats Pills throw a shit ton of shade about the definition and divisiveness of twerking in 31 seconds while entertaining the child within me by giving the blue Pill miniature glasses. How freakin’ cute! But at the end of the day, the “Don’t you need ass to twerk?” directed at Miley Cyrus is enough of a “pro” to make this the only commercial that should ever air on television again.


Sir Mix-A-Lot is not actually featured in the commercial crying his eyes out.


I don’t know what’s in the water, but everybody’s been hailing Katy Perry’s new song “Roar” as one of her greatest hits–everybody but the Beats Pills! They blame her for single-handedly gentrifying Brooklyn and putting hookers out of work. And as if that wasn’t enough, they make fun of how stupid Katy’s roar is for a solid 10 seconds. These Beats Pills have ‘tude, dude. Also, I must once again give props to the miniature hipster glasses that belong to the blue Pill–but I will revoke these props if those glasses do not actually come with the blue Pill I just ordered.


I’m starting to get suspicious as to why all of the voice actors for the Beats Pill seem to be black. Are there no white or Asian or Latino pills? Are Beats Pills only targeting the black community? Are Beats Pills the new crack cocaine? Will they be used as an excuse to throw us all in jail? Something ain’t sittin’ right.


The new Beats Pill commercials are obviously less creepy and more convincing than whatever Robin Thicke was doing in his ads. They’re hilarious, socially conscious, and not afraid to pull punches at music’s hottest acts. What more can we ask for from an inanimate object?

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