David Thorpe Is Not Kid Rock’s Personal Bartender, and That Is a Travesty


Some time ago Voice writer David Thorpe learned Jim Beam was putting on a contest which would give fans of Kid Rock the opportunity to be Rock’s personal bartender during his slow moving STD delivery system across the states Rebel Soul tour. Thorpe, a GIANT Kid Rock fan if there ever was one, entered. Phase One: Contestants were asked to fill out a brief questionnaire on Rock’s website explaining why they’d be a good fit. Thorpe, natural and gifted writer he is, sailed through that with relative ease. Then came the video portion.

See also: The Funniest Fake Entries in Kid Rock’s Bartender Contest

That was a bit trickier, as Thorpe had to mix a sample cocktail while adhering to a strict set of rules given by Jim Beam:

– You, the entrant, must be the only person depicted in the video.
– You cannot depict actual consumption of alcoholic products in the video. You can hold a cocktail in your hand, but absolutely NO drinking on camera.
– Your video cannot depict irresponsible consumption or behavior, drunk driving or underage drinking.
– Keep it clean! Any video submission considered obscene, defamatory, dangerous, discriminatory, infringing or otherwise inappropriate or unsuitable for publication will be disqualified.
– Your video must not contain or depict any third party trademarks (other than Jim Beam® Bourbon, should entrant choose to include such product in the Video submission) or copyright protected material. So if using any mixers or garnishes, please remove labels or cover them.
– Do not include any flags, seals, coats of arms, crests or other insignia in your video.

“I particularly liked how I wasn’t able to use flags, crests or insignias in my entry,” says a still-distraught Thorpe. “I speculate that the implied disrespect to my family crest was one of the reasons I wasn’t emotionally prepared to make a winning video.”

A few weeks after submitting his video, Thorpe was informed by Jim Beam that he would not be Kid Rock’s personal bartender. It has left him a shell of a man.

“I promised to become Kid Rock’s personal bartender, and I failed,” he says. “I have been a major letdown to myself, to my readers, to Kid Rock and to the Village Voice. Now I am like a shamed samurai, begging the shogun’s headsman to put a merciful end to my humiliating existence. I pledge to use the Jim Beam company’s $100 consolation prize gift card to buy only the most gruesome and disgusting Jim Beam merchandise, like maybe a do-rag, that I may wear it forever as a symbol of my failure.”

Thorpe’s video and a devastating email from Jim Beam are on the next page. Kid Rock plays the Saratoga Performing Arts Center Wednesday night in Saratoga Springs, NY. He’s in Bethel, NY, on Friday. It’s a shame Thorpe won’t be mixing him cocktails backstage. After watching the video, we think you’ll agree he was fucking robbed.

See also: I Swear, I WILL Become Kid Rock’s Personal Bartender

Hi David,

Thank you so much for participating in Jim Beam’s Mix for Kid Rock Contest! We appreciate your effort, enthusiasm and outstanding dedication to both Jim Beam® and Kid Rock. Unfortunately, we’ve selected another applicant for the job of Kid Rock’s tour bartender. However, we are grateful for the time and effort you’ve put into the application process and we’d like to thank you for your efforts with a $100 gift card to the Jim Beam Store. This will be shipped to the mailing address you provided us in your affidavit.

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