Last week, news broke that Bruno Mars will be the 2014 NFL Super Bowl half-time show performer. Given the beautiful orgasmic infamy of Beyonce’s 2013 half-time show, we thought it would be useful to give Bruno some helpful suggestions on how to avoid being overshadowed.
See also: Top 5 Worst Super Bowl Halftime Shows
Beyonce generated a giant pressroom cluster-fuck a month prior to her Super Bowl half-time performance by daring to lip-synch at the second presidential inauguration of President Barack Obama, amping up the expectations and general significance of her upcoming performance.
1. Since there won’t be a major national political moment for Bruno Mars to capitalize on next February, he should concentrate his efforts internationally. A month before the Super Bowl, Bruno should make a trip to whichever country we are debating the plunder of (Best Guess: SyrIraqOil) to star in a benefit concert for the displaced peoples of that area. But once on stage, Bruno should only half-heartedly perform and eventually stop singing altogether to shit on the significance of their refugee struggle. Oh, oh, oh, and at the end of the concert he should rip off the giant sticker from a “Benefit Concert” sign to reveal the hidden “BRUNO” in the middle. HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE?
See also: The Top 10 Beyonce Collaborations
In 2013, Beyonce put on a high-octane sensual performance filled with amazing feats of simultaneous dance and song in an impossible outfit without missing a beat in her six-inch heels.
2. Bruno Mars should seek the advice of RuPaul of the Drag Race. None can be effectively offered here.
Beyonce summoned the members of America’s most treasured late-90s-to-mid-2000’s-R&B-Girl-Group to perform a classic hit with her to the delight of millions
3. Since it will probably be impossible to find the linked.in pages for the members of B.o.B or Travie McCoy for a successful collaboration reunion of his own, Bruno Mars should invite the real roots of his musical stardom to perform with him on-stage: Michael Jackson! (It’s impossible to re-animate the entire 1970’s era of music Bruno has appropriated in songs like “Treasure,” summoning his doppelganger from the dead will have to suffice.) Can you imagine the look on Beyonce’s perfect face as she sees a resurrected-Michael Jackson and
a Michael Jackson mid-transition Bruno Mars perform side-by-side!? I can. It’s fairly affable. But, if Bruno is able to zombify Michael Jackson long enough to: rehearse, settle his legal troubles with Conrad Murray, do that final Oprah interview, and perform a flawless half-time show with Bruno, maybe the Queen will frown just a little.
4. If a stage for the 2014 half-time show was made to resemble Bruno Mars’ face, it may take up the entirety of MetLife Stadium. It would also rule out the use of any pyrotechnics, considering that the hair portion of the stage would turn into a massive incendiary device. Bruno Mars should forgo a stage altogether. Instead, he should roam amongst the crowd so he has the opportunity to perform his perfect croon for the ladies and pass out informational pamphlets to everyone else over 28 who has no idea who he is or why he’s at the Super Bowl. How’s THAT for an impressive visual souvenir, Bey!?!
Beyonce broke the electrical grid of the New Orleans Superdome for a full 34 minutes, allowing time for the San Francisco 49ers to mentally regroup and make up ground against the (ultimately victorious) Baltimore Ravens, and creating a visceral sense of nostalgic Super Bowl tension and anticipation to fuel the crowd.
5. Since–if all goes accordingly–he won’t have a stage or special effects, it’ll be difficult for Bruno to single-handedly shut down the electricity at MetLife Stadium (Yes, even if it IS located in New Jersey). As a Plan B, Bruno Mars should enroll in classes at ITT Tech for a couple of months. Or, he could even perform his heart out and be genuinely better than Beyonce–shattering our belief in God, social-hierarchy, Beyonce herself, and ultimately forming a giant black hole of collective shock from which the energy will be ceremoniously sucked out of the MetLife Stadium and all of the buildings with electricity left in New Jersey.