The Daily Show Attends a Pre-Election Victory Party With a Dick-Pic-Snapping Bill de Blasio


Election Day is finally here, and you could cut the tension with — well, just about anything, really. The dull edge of a key. A butter knife coated in marshmallow fluff. A newborn kitten’s tiny, gummy teeth.

That’s because, as you’re probably well aware, the main contests are all pretty much decided. In the race for Public Advocate, Tish James already clinched the Democratic nomination after a contentious, very expensive run-off with Daniel Squadron. Barring a sudden show of force by Libertarians or War Veterans, Scott Stringer will be your next comptroller. And of course, Bill de Blasio still leads Joe Lhota by 40 points or so, making that race, too, not quite a nail-biter. (As we showed you in our voter guide this morning, the constitutional amendments on the ballot do promise to be a little more interesting, specifically Proposal 1, which would legalize casino gaming.)

-See also: Last-Minute New York City Voters’ Guide

But the lack of excitement in the main races creates questions for those of us in the news game about how to cover today. Last night, The Daily Show gave it their best shot, likening the de Blasio-Lhota numbers gap to that between “hot dog and rat on a stick” for the city’s favorite street food. Host Jon Stewart also took issue with Lhota’s claim to be an “underdog,” saying he’s a bit more like “the kind of dog Sarah McLachlan sings songs over the top of.”

Correspondent John Oliver also checked in with the de Blasio campaign, where the newest campaign poster is — what else? — a lavish, full-color dick pic. And at the campaign’s HQ, the party had already started, although Olive explained that the “implausibly tall” de Blasio was unable to hear much of anything from his great height.

“He can’t hear me up there,” Oliver explained. “He’s comically huge. Hey, de Blasio! Your idealistic policies and lack of management experience will be woefully insufficient in the face of focused Wall Street lobbying! See: nothing, Jon. All he hears is birds up there and the occasional jet.”

Other people are less amused by the air of inevitability around today’s race. Take the right’s own Matt Drudge, who tweeted this picture earlier this morning:

In their endorsement of Joe Lhota yesterday, the New York Post took a similar, albeit slightly less hysterical tack, writing:

True, New Yorkers won’t awaken to a crime-ridden dump if de Blasio wins Tuesday. But let’s not pretend, as de Blasio and his advocates do, that the hard-bought progress this city has made is irreversible. Or that his attacks on the police force, his attacks on successful schools and his fondness for higher taxes, more regulation and greater spending will be without consequences for this city.

Give Joe Lhota credit for bringing these differences out into the open. And if you don’t give him your vote, please do not complain when Mayor de Blasio does to this city exactly what Lhota and this paper have said he will do.

The polls are open until 9 p.m.; we expect the terrifying mobs of anarchist super-villains to form by 11 or so.