We all know the current trend of snotty white-people stadium-folk sucks. That’s something near-universally agreed upon within critical circles. It’s hard to take a single note of the stuff seriously, enough to make you reconsider the entire influencing legacy of Bob Dylan. But one thing that’s been underrated in our anger is just how poorly these bands dress. It’s not just bad style, it’s bad style with an attitude. It’s statement-fashion as nuanced as a 15-year old in a Jack Skeleton hoodie. This free pass stops right here, as we’ve ranked all the bands associated with Nickelback-folk by their attire from worst to worstest.
WORST – Of Monsters and Men
Despite owning perhaps the most hackneyed and clichéd music of the group, Of Monsters and Men actually don’t dress that bad (relatively speaking.) Look at those shithead Icelandians, no worse than whatever group of folkies is hoping to get laid at your local college co-op this Saturday. These guys aren’t trying to be anything more than the low-hanging fruit they already are. Can you honestly say you never walk out the door looking like a member of Of Monsters and Men? Maybe not your proudest moment, but we’ve all been there.
WORSTER – Mumford & Sons
Who’s to blame for Mumford & Sons? Who allowed a bunch of asshole 20-somethings to think it’s hip to appropriate Woodrow Wilson’s style? When did the Great Depression become cool? Is it Twitter? Is it our rapidly diversifying culture that leaves vast, incomprehensible gaps of tangible things to identify with? Is it Carey Mulligan? That’s two vests, one hat, one pair of suspenders, and four utterly punchable gazes into the distance.
See also: Why Is Rave Fashion Such a Disaster?
WORSTERER – Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
This picture was taken at Coachella, where it’s regularly over 100 degrees. Edward Sharpe is some dude named Alex, and he’s wearing what appears to be a scarf dangling over his porcelain, meercat-esque midriff. Do you understand what I’m saying? He has his goddamned shirt unbuttoned while wearing a goddamned scarf. HE IS HOLDING A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES IN HIS HAND WHILE WEARING ANOTHER PAIR OF SUNGLASSES. I don’t know what it feels like to be truly lost, but at least I’ll always have Edward Sharpe for context.
WORSTEST – The Lumineers
If you could somehow take the vast, gaping, calloused asshole of the music industry and divide it by zero, you would end up with the dude from The Lumineers’ overalls. Look at that guy. Look at him touch his hat. Think of the hundreds, nay thousands
of dollars he has probably spent on all of his hats. I don’t even have any jokes to make about a man who wears his tie under his vest ON TOP OF AN UNTUCKED SHIRT. Is that supposed to be punk rock? Is this the end? Does he think he’s an innovator? Is his mom crying right now? Why would anybody do that? You have come face to face with the O-Town of folk rock, despair.