Around this time of year, a lot of music websites put up “Holiday Gift Guides.” They’re either earnest, and articulate, and full of enthusiastic suggestions for interesting items for the music lover in your life, or they’re depressing corporate-sponsored flotsam and stand as a remarkably stark representation of the state of the publishing industry. Our Holiday Gift Guide is different. We are not going to give you good ideas, we are going to give you terrible ideas. We’re going to be Santa with a giant chip on his shoulder. We want to make the music lover in your life cry in either rage or sorrow. We want to nurture your spite. This is the 2013 Hater’s Holiday Gift Guide.
Bullet For My Valentine Chain Wallet
Nothing says tragic compensation like a mix of chains and skulls dangling from a pair of Wal-Mart shorts.
The Entirety of the Hot Topic Vinyl selection
We know you’ve always wanted the second Jeffree Star album on overpriced wax. What about the Dropkick Murphys discography? Thankfully Hot Topic will always have our back.
The Same Clarinet They Played For Two Weeks In Middle School Band
This is a really good gift if you want to hammer home the
person’s commitment issues.
Metallica’s Black Album
The Universal Media Disc, or UMD, was a format introduced by Sony in 2005 to be played on their Playstation Portable handheld. Yes, in an effort to fight piracy Sony came up with a format that could literally only be played on one uber-specific device, and called it “universal.” I do like the idea of someone being so desperate to listen to Metallica that they see no other option than buying a PSP.
An Account on the absolutepunk.net Forums
I understand you can talk about Jesse Lacey’s penis on that website.
A Cheesy Gordita Crunch
To be honest I’d be pretty stoked to unwrap a weeks-old Cheesy Gordita Crunch on Christmas morning.
A K Records Wallet
Some websites will have you believe that buying someone a K Records wallet is a “quaint but powerful symbol of anti-materialism at each grab for your debit card,” and will help remind the person you’re buying it for to “spend their $5 on a 7″ at a show instead of a can of beer.” Because there’s nothing I love more than ideology for Christmas. We think if you buy someone a present for Christmas and say “this is to remind you to be an anti-capitalist stalwart, you know, just like me” rightfully deserves a punch in the face.
A $25 Sam Goody Gift Card
Good luck, fucker.
A Saxophone Made Out of Moustraps
Because that would be a bummer, right? Like, trying to play a saxophone made out of mousetraps.
Bruce Springsteen’s Working on a Dream, special edition.
A $30 version of the 13th best Bruce Springsteen album.