There’s a perp on the loose in New York, and he apparently specializes in driving incredibly long distances to rob people. Also, he sounds like a real douche.
We got an email yesterday from Detective-Corporal Roy G. Ferrari, who works at the Solebury Township Police Department. Solebury is in Pennsylvania, about 70 miles from New York City, a town of a little less than 9,000 residents. But the main action in our story takes place in New Hope, an even smaller town about two miles down the road. It was there that a man who called himself “Joe” met his victim at what the Solebury police have chosen to describe as “a known gay bar.” That would be The Raven, which is also a bed and breakfast and restaurant, hosts a weekly drag night, and has a pool. (Note to self: Stay at the Raven immediately.)
But Joe, who, as you can see from the photo above, is thin, in his mid-40s, and sporting a freshly shaved head and black-rimmed glasses, wasn’t interested in the pool, the piano bar, or the vintage T.V. night (Good god, this place sounds amazing). Instead, he dropped into The Raven around 2:30 p.m. on November 22, driving a dark-colored Lexus with Washington, D.C., plates, which the police think may have been a rental. There, he met a guy from Solebury at the bar. At one point during their conversation, Joe mentioned being from Manhattan.
After a little while, the victim invited Joe back to his place. But when he got up to use the restroom, Joe took the opportunity to “freshen” his drink, putting something in it that caused the man to lose consciousness for five hours.
As if that weren’t terrifying enough, when the man awoke, nauseated, he discovered that Joe had taken not just his wallet, but also $150, some credit cards, and two out-of-sequence blank checks.
Around 5:30 p.m., Joe used the credit card at a gas station in Flemington, New Jersey. He made two small purchases, one for $19 and one for $20. He continued his shopping spree at a Diesel in Union Square here in Manhattan around 8:15, where according to Detective Ferrari he bought a hat and one other item of clothing. At 9:46, he also used the victim’s credit card to pay for a cab ride from 157 Seventh Avenue to 6 Perry Street. From what we can tell, 157 Seventh Avenue is a Duane Reade located next to a real estate office, and 6 Perry Street is a residential area in the West Village. It’s only like a 10-minute walk; Joe, in addition to being a jerk and a predator, also appears to be kind of lazy. Finally, he used the card at the Riviera Café, a sports bar in the West Village, around 10:40 p.m.
Detective-Corporal Ferrari is troubled by the crime, since nothing, as far as he can recall, has ever happened like it before in the area. “This is the first report of this type of crime we’ve had in my recollection,” he told us yesterday. “And I’ve been here for 30 years.”
We’ve always dreamed of working as a reporter at a big city newspaper and have cops ask us cool favors like helping them bust douches. Just our luck that the crime in question happened in Solebury, Pennsylvania. But Joe is a real perp! On the loose in the city! Possibly drugging other people, which is (as though we even have to say this) a dick move, and evidence of a real shoddy human being.
So we ask you, our readers: have you seen this douche? Anyone with information about the crime can call Detective Ferrari at 215-297-8291, extension 111, or email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
And if you happen to be “Joe,” the sort of man who drives 70 miles to drug and rob people in the middle of the afternoon, we can only say: Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The full release from the Solebury Police Department is on the following page.
Police officers who need help catching douches should email the author, Anna Merlan.