If New York City Subway advertisements are anything to go by, the absolute most important gift to bestow upon a loved one this December is the opportunity to smell like Nicki Minaj, whose new perfume Minajesty is now out and available for purchase. But why should the chance to rock somebody’s nose like a hip-hop mega-star be relegated to just the one who wants more cheese? If hip-hop colognes pop off as a big business, we’ve made this list of five rappers we’d like to smell like.
See also: We Made A Five-Course Meal Out of Action Bronson Raps
Say what you will about how Florida’s been in the news over the past few months, but we’ll always be running back to those tropical scented lip balms, sunscreens and Tums which the citrus state helped define with the refreshing island scent that keeps us coming back for more. Trina happens to be the most glamourous glamourest and the baddest, so it’s not that far-fetched to assume she smells incredible. For that scent to make everyone “Pull Over,” who better than Trina?
Who doesn’t love being woken-up to the smell of something great in the kitchen? Who doesn’t immediately feel warmed up after walking past a fragrant restaurant on a cold winter’s day? We like to think part of what makes everyone so delighted to see Action Bronson in person is because his presence brings with it a cloud of whatever incredible food he most recently had in front of him. If Mitch Hedberg can sell cinnamon roll incense, why shouldn’t an Action Bronson cologne exist?
He’s sold everything from music to water, so why not let “Fiddy” combine the two and let us bring our G-Unit cos-play to the next level? A few years ago, 50 released his own take on the famous 48 Laws of Power book, and while it may not have been explicitly in the text, we believe smelling powerful is implied. Who wouldn’t want to smell like money? OK, we mainly want this to exist so we can see Macy’s store shelves filled with bottles of something named “50 Scent.”
Bumpy Knuckles/Freddie Foxxx
You know the common literary troupe of “he can smell fear?” Well, veteran hip-hop legend and tough guy Freddie Foxxx aka Bumpy Knuckles smells like the exact opposite of that. The rap game Bill Brasky, stories of Knuckles’ musclin’ and tusslin’ are among the most repeated in the culture. Who wouldn’t want to smell like the most intimidating man in hip-hop? One spray, and everyone you meet will think “please don’t hurt me.”
Finally, we had to give a nod to the man who made “You smell me?” a euphemism for “am I understood?” A mainstay of “most underrated” and “most influential” lists, if 40 Water were to lend his namesake to a fragrance, one can rest assured it wouldn’t smell like anything else on the market, and it would take two years for the rest of the mainstream rap world to put forth a watered-down attempt to smell like him. Just sprinkle it.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on December 19, 2013