On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… Slim Whitman’s Yodeling Country Songs. In an attempt to help avoid gift-giving mishegas this season, we’ve taken the stress out of speculating what your favorite mosher might hope to find under his blackened hull of a Christmas tree. (Or what your sweet niece in Peoria might omgwant! since it’ll be hard to top last year’s gift of Britney Spears Curious eau de something. Carry on, wayward sons (and daughters), there WILL be peace when you are done. Done shopping, that is.
See also: The Hater’s Holiday Gift Guide
If you don’t feel the need to fund Gene Simmons’ and Paul Stanley’s lavish lifestyles this season by purchasing a “glass demon bust ornament” for your tree (trust me: you don’t), spend your kissmas kash with at the All New Ace Marketplace. Ex-KISS axe man Mr. Frehley offers up a guitar strap — black with silver lightning bolts — so the rockstar wanna-be in your life can be Space Ace in front of the mirror every day! Yes, it’s signed, and as KISS fans know, Ace’s autograph always features his iconic doodle of an ace playing card (duh). Custom made by Jodi Head in New York City, the strap–“just like Ace’s”–is 42 inches long. Wait, just like Ace’s what?! For $300, you can own a piece of KISStory unsoiled by Simmons.
Sweet dreams are NOT made of this Marilyn Manson lithograph. Of his watercolor “Crop Failure,” Manson explains: “This appeared in Rolling Stone with my essay about Columbine and is sort of a caricature of [Eric] Harris and [Dylan] Klebold taken from their high school photographs… It was definitely part of my reaction for being blamed for something like Columbine. I thought the title ‘Crop Failure’ was appropriate for several reasons. Columbine, some people might know, is a flower. And, obviously, [‘Crop’ represents] raising up your children and harvesting them properly. Something did go wrong here, and I think the farmers should be blamed, not the entertainers.” Lay down $1,800 for an exhibit-quality reproduction in a limited edition of 25, signed and numbered by the former Brian Warner himself.
Up next: Taylor Swift and Yanni
When you think blackout, you think: Yanni to the rescue! Yes, apparently the hirsute hottie wants to be your guiding light. To avoid being “caught in the dark,” the New Age chart-topper is offering you a way out for only $6.99. His laser-engraved, 1.5-inch-long super bright white LED is also a key ring! Bonus: four button cell batteries are included. Double bonus: No Yanni music is included!
The words “stocking stuffer” and “Taylor Swift” in the same sentence will likely titillate some baser-thinking music lovers. But the sweet Swift is offering, all new for the holiday season, a package with four RED (her fourth and latest album) doodads including a red RED rubber bracelet, plus a grey RED one, along with a guitar pick pack, an iPhone sound amplifier, and a spiral notebook with artwork from the album. Cute rockstar ex-boyfriend not included. And if you’re still not sold, it’s all on SALE! Regularly it’s $23 shekels, but now it’s a mere $6.99! (According to Forbes, Ms. Swift earned $55 million this year, so she doesn’t need your extra $15.50.)
There are so many great gifts for the Lemmy lover in your life. Of course, Motorhead and booze go together like cirrhosis and Early Times. For your pals overseas (currently only shipping there, apparently), Motorhead is offering — quelle surprise — alcohol! There’s “Sacrifice” Shiraz, which is “first bag-in-box wine” designed especially for Swedes, who apparently are the world’s largest consumer of boxed wine. Hmmm. The box looks like a Motorhead amp, making it a must-have even if you need to go to Sweden to obtain it, and allegedly it tastes better when wearing the Ace of Spades sweater made of jacquard woven 100 percent cotton in sizes up to XXL for even the “biggest” of Motorhead fans. At $90 bucks in eye-popping black and white, it’s not as cool as having Lemmy under your tree, but it’s a close second.
For the hipster who has everything — except a Bob Dylan harmonica — that’s a problem easily solved, but only if you feel like dropping $5,000 for a mouth organ. Albeit one that’s a Marine Band harp in the key of C, individually signed, and comes in a carved inlaid ebony box. Didn’t Spinal Tap say C “was the saddest of all keys”? No, oh well. This is still pretty decadent, and only 100 of these single key harmonicas exist worldwide. If the lucky recipient doesn’t know which of Dylan’s songs to play first on the new gift, well, there’s a list of harp keys to Dylan songs online here, and personal picks include “Mr. Tambourine Man” and “Tangled Up in Blue,” and we’re sure Dylan wouldn’t mind if the harp was used to play the bagpipe parts on AC/DC’s “It’s a Long Way to the Top.”)
Where were YOU in January 1971? Well, if you’re old enough, and a hoarder, you may have this January 16-22 issue of TV Guide in your, er, “collection.” If not, don’t spend three months looking in your basement — buy a copy for $25. (It was 15 cents back in the day!) For the Johnny Cash lover who has everything, this TV Guide, with an archetypal photo of June Carter and Johnny Cash, promises it’s in “good,” if used condition with “typical wear.” As if anything about the Man in Black is typical.
There’s one in every family: A Phish lover. The hapless purchaser may not know what a black and red checked hoodie has to do with a band that sings “Free” and “Heavy Things,” but hey, it’s a “super soft hoodie” with a kangaroo front pocket perfect for stashing whatever it is one stashes at a Phish concert. The band logo is on the hood, plus a custom Phish Kindling patch is sewn onto the breast. (If you’re not a Phish fan, it merely looks like a company logo — say, that little polo player. But Phish phans get it — and of course, they know it’s low-impact yarn dyed, and will keep them cozy for every show they go to this December 28-31 at Madison Square Garden.
Gabba Gabba Hey, This Is Delicious! From the kitchen of Marky Ramone — no, not full of roaches, bathtubs, and other NYC staples — comes a truly delicious addition to even your mushy spaghetti. Marky Ramone’s Brooklyn’s Own Marinara Pasta Sauce is a mere 88 dollars a case. And with those 12 jars, shipping is included AND 10 percent benefits Autism Speaks. Yes, the proverbial “win-win.” Apparently, The recipe was passed down by his grandfather, once a chef at Manhattan’s 21 Club, and modern-day famed French chef Boulud is a fan, offering a 21 dollar Spaghetti Alla Chitarra pasta using Marky’s own “drum-punk” sauce as its base! If you’re a NYC denizen, you can track down Marky Ramone’s Cruisin’ Kitchen food truck to buy, or merely order online.
20 years ago, musical gift/swag from Seattle might include SubPop T-shirt or Bikini Kill’s Pussy Whipped album. Circa 2013 holiday season, Seattle gives us Macklemore and Lewis, and their socks. Yes, nominated for seven 2014 Grammy awards, and you can own their socks. Well, not the ones they’ve actually worn, but a three-pack of fancy foot coverings, one pair in a lovely shade of baby blue, for a mere $20. Merely lift your pant leg to proclaim your allegiance to the pair, whose “Same Love” became perhaps the first top 15 song in the U.S. to promote and celebrate same-sex marriage, which in our book, makes it more than acceptable to sport socks that proclaim you as a member of the “shark face gang.”