By now, your buddies have forwarded you the Reddit Ask Me Anything where a 24-year-old man with Diphallia — aka two penises — says he wants to give you a facial. Say yes.
Let’s get through the superficial reasons first. This magical male unicorn (er, twonicorn?) is anonymous, which I estimate will last about another week. But here’s what we know about him so far: he’s sex-positive, brave, bisexual, and in a committed relationship with a man and a woman who’ve given him permission to cheat — but only with you.
Deducing from his aw-shucks revelations, Double Dick Dude is handsome enough to have racked up a decent number of sexual partners, and he has the charisma to turn straight men bi-curious, something I bet you’ve witnessed first-hand yourself at an open bar party at Sundance.
You’re a busy man. But you’ve got the time management skills to squeeze in an hour of bewildering, memorable pleasure. Yet there’s a bigger argument for experiencing Double Dick Dude’s combined 13-inches of glory. In fact, you argued it yourself in your recent film Interior. Leather Bar. when you convinced a straight, married actor named Val Lauren to recreate the lost X-rated footage of Al Pacino’s Cruisin’ by participating in a gay orgy.
As you told Lauren, we’ve been indoctrinated by a heteronormative Hollywood. “Every toilet paper commercial has a man and a woman living in a house together,” you said, and that’s how 95 percent of our romantic films wind up, too. Interior. Leather Bar. hinges on getting our culture as comfortable with onscreen gay sex as we are with the big-titted dry-humping on Cinemax. You’re already comfortable, standing in the center of the sweat with a camera, calling the tender man-on-man make-outs “beautiful and attractive.”
And just as Double Dick Dude was heroically casual about having a boyfriend, you’re one of the rare actors brave enough to shrug off questions about your sexuality. This spring, you insisted to the Daily Beast, “I don’t even care if people think I’m gay….I wish I was gay.” Then you proved it, pretending to own a five-foot statue of a penis in This is the End and laughing through the 26 — yes, 26 — gay jokes at your expense during your Comedy Central roast, even when Jonah Hill described you as our generation’s Johnny Depp, “if Johnny Depp was a worse actor who blew guys.”
Sure, boning Double Dick Dude would just be drilling home the point you made with Interior. Leather Bar. But instead of being a sidelined instigator, now you could put your mouth where your morals are. Plus, if you also framed the fling as an embrace of polyamory, it would literally be a two-for. Imagine sitting down with Double Dick Dude and his partners to discuss your emotional and physical boundaries. You four could demonstrate the honesty and communication that are tenets of committed multi-person relationships. The increasingly visible polyamorous community is positioning themselves to be the next sexual civil rights movement, and you’d be right there on the forefront. On your knees.
With their permission, you can capture the adventure in whatever artform you think best fits: documentary, short story, watercolor, seminar, haiku. Just know that your simultaneous blowjob will be simultaneously striking a blow against bigotry and narrow-mindedness while making our hearts flush with the dizzying configurations of love in 2014.
Plenty of people are rooting for this hook-up to happen for their own prurient fantasies, like a drunk frat guy begging two girls to kiss. I wouldn’t make that appeal to a woman, so I also can’t do it to a man. Instead I’m appealing to you as an artist, activist and humanitarian. Give Double Dick Dude a call and rock his — and our — worlds.
C’mon Franco. Take two for the team.