Yesterday, as Polar Vortex II: Electric Boogaloo descended on the city, vengeful Marxist dictator Bill de Blasio made his class warfare agenda known. The mayor cruelly and deliberately prevented the Upper East Side from being snow-plowed, because he hates the rich and wants them to get their shoes all mucky.
That was, anyway, the narrative over the highly respectable New York Post, which blared, “It really is a tale of two cities — this time with the tony Upper East Side getting the shaft!” The Daily News decided to run with the same general idea, although they did note that the sanitation commissioner, John Doherty, was appointed by previous mayor Michael Bloomberg. CBS had also noted earlier that the truck sent out to the area had a broken GPS, according to Doherty himself, who said that combined with traffic problems accounted for much of the delay.
On his radio show, insightful political analyst Rush Limbaugh compared this very real crisis to Chris Christie’s Bridgegate, saying that the de Blasio “regime” “did not snowplow the streets where wealthy New Yorkers live on the Upper East Side” due to “genuine resentment and envy and hatred.” Limbaugh also asked, no doubt sincerely, “I’m wondering, will there be an investigation of this, hmm?”
After a full day of dismissing the reports that he’d taken his revenge on the 1 percent via their streets, de Blasio decided to apologize, although he stopped short of admitting how much he loathes the public roadways of the wealthy.
Earlier in the day, during a press conference at a firehouse in Brooklyn, he said the allegations of class-based snow removal were “just mistaken. No one was treated differently. We believe in a five-borough approach in everything we do.” According to Politicker, he also added, “I think people need to be mindful when they hurl those charges. That is not real respectful of the men and women who work so hard for us in sanitation. They were out there in force in every neighborhood.”
But de Blasio also headed to the neighborhood and personally comforted each resident and their terrifying hats individually:
— NYC Mayor’s Office (@NYCMayorsOffice) January 22, 2014
And at 5:22 he did a bit of an about-face and sent out a press release, saying that “more could have been done” to clear the streets on the UES, sending shrieks of glee through the offices of every tabloid in the land. The release reads, in full:
After hearing concerns about street conditions on the Upper East Side, I headed to the area to survey the streets for myself, and to hear from residents directly. While the overall storm response across the city was well-executed, after inspecting the area and listening to concerns from residents earlier today, I determined more could have been done to serve the Upper East Side. I have instructed the Commissioner of the Department of Sanitation to double-down on cleanup efforts on the Upper East Side, and as a result, 30 vehicles and nearly 40 sanitation workers have been deployed to the area to finish the cleanup. Our crews will remain on the streets around the clock until the roadways are clear in every neighborhood, in every borough, across New York City.
The Post, emboldened, filed a follow-up report which noted a series of undoubtedly factual events throughout Manhattan, including: a man cracking his head on the pavement (because of de Blasio); a young man on his way to physical therapy unable to get there (because of de Blasio); pedestrians “tumbl[ing] to the ground in front of the UN”; and a cabby trying to move his stuck vehicle while declaring, “This is madness. This is bad, bad. Why is it not cleared?” All this because we now live in a terrifying apocalyptic wasteland where the Poors have their streets plowed and sprinkled with gold flake, while the rich fight each other near trashcan fires for the last scrap of stewed rat.
While it was a terrible and harrowing day for UES residents, it was a pretty great day for jokes. On Facebook, film critic Charles Taylor wasn’t quite sure what the fuss was about:
He added: “Yes, I know it’s frustrating. And yes, all New Yorkers deserve service but I think the privileged in NYC have no idea what de Blasio means to most of the rest of the city. They had a tough day? We’ve had a tough 12 years. Suck it up.”
And on Twitter, some suggested it’s time we stop looking to the government to solve our problems:
Upper EastSiders,quit whining & waiting for a gov’t handout,pull yourselves up by your (snow) bootstraps,deadbeats. http://t.co/V3rxSYzU4U
— roykoshy (@roykoshy) January 23, 2014
But one of the Politico dudes really nailed it:
Seems official: the NY Post will spend the next four years as an Upper East Side community newspaper.
— Edward-Isaac Dovere (@IsaacDovere) January 22, 2014
It’s gonna be a great four to eight years, guys.