Fox’s Super Bowl broadcast kept attempting to convince us the Super Bowl halftime show was the most important concert of the year, but we all knew that wasn’t true. Still, I was pretty excited to see it. I’m sure I wouldn’t enjoy it as much as I liked Beyoncé in 2013, but there was one extra aspect this year that got me pumped:
— Amy S. Rosenberg (@amysrosenberg) February 3, 2014
The Super Bowl halftime show this year would feature “Video Ski Hats.” Despite never hearing of such a term before 7:30 last night, it was all I could think about leading up to the show. Additionally, the hat apparently was remotely controlled by a computer or a producer — or perhaps by Bruno Mars himself? Maybe Flea? I decided almost instantly that remotely controlled hats were the future.
The halftime show opened with a taped advertisement that turned out to be completely terrifying.
Oh, just a pair of giant hands playing the Guggenheim like a bongo. Nothing to worry about here. Later, in an attempt to advertise Pepsi, the giant monster’s hands destroyed parts of New York.
I like how Pepsi Max is included in this shot, as if anyone drinks that shit.
Someone was paying attention to what was really exciting about this show. Because after surviving the giant, we immediately got to the hats.
And what do you know? The hats are essentially a way to advertise Pepsi! I shouldn’t be surprised at all that the technology of the future is immediately being used to advance the brands of multinational food and beverage corporations.
The fans, as you can imagine, were excited by all this corporate synergy.
Anyway, after all that branding — whew! — we finally got to Bruno Mars.
He and his backup dancers/band had a trump card for their performance, and it involved humping the air constantly. Frankly, I think it worked.
Super Bowl halftime performers may use pre-recorded tracks, but Bruno Mars certainly had to do this live. (Unless technology has advanced so much that we not only have remotely-controlled light up hats, we have the suit from The Tuxeco.) This was fantastic.
Then the Red Hot Chili Peppers just showed up. I realize they had to announce RHCP would guest before the show to get people more — um, or less — interested, but think how much more fun it would be if the band just showed up unannounced.
The Chili Peppers were shirtless, not that this is news.
I could go my whole life without hearing another Red Hot Chili Peppers song, but this bit was inoffensive enough. The primary disappointing aspect was that the band didn’t change the lyrics to “What I’d like is I’d like to hug and kiss ya.”
After a pre-recorded tribute to the military — pretty much every Super Bowl commercial is required by law to pander to both the troops and the idea that the United States is perfect — we ended on a high note: 1980s-style crossfades!
That last one just faded into the stadium fireworks completely, making sure the viewer knows the MetLife brand is what’s important here. All in all, an appropriate end to a pretty entertaining Super Bowl halftime show.