Fellas, ladies, and all of you sexy sons of bitches in between — today’s the big day! If you were hoping to get lucky after dinner this evening, there’s no need to stay up all night. In fact, an evening full of longing stares and celebratory libations is bound to put you in the mood by the time you polish off that sexy, aphrodisiac-filled first course. Sometimes, a bathroom buggering is the only answer, and if you’re going to make sex in public you might as well make it interesting. The following bar and restaurant bathrooms all offer something — be it ambiance or amenities — to make you creme fraiche your jeans. And because we refuse to discriminate against single folk, any of these options would work just as well for a solo go of things. But, you know…maybe don’t masturbate in restaurant bathrooms.
Raines Law Room, 48 West 17th Street, 212-242-0600 While this subterranean speakeasy channels the 1920s with Meaghan Dorman’s inventive cocktails (try a Sicilian cobbler with blood orange, Campari, and Lambrusco), make like a flapper and shimmy over to the bathrooms where the wallpaper camouflages a naughty secret. Forget about inspiration, the fornicating figures embedded into the elaborate design are practically giving you instructions.
The NoMad, 1170 Broadway, 212-796-1500 The labyrinthine basement bathroom complex at The NoMad Hotel feels remote and private, tucked away from the restaurant and down a flight of stairs across from one of the hotel’s ateliers. Once inside the bathrooms, the doors to the toilet stalls are heavy and floor-to-ceiling, so there’s no need to worry about prying eyes. If you can, try to do the deed before that chicken for two hits the table. All that foie gras, brioche, and black truffle stuffing will leave you too stuffed to do some stuffing of your own.
Sakagura, 211 East 43rd Street, 212-953-7253 Arriving at this hidden Midtown sake palace feels like sharing a secret, and after giving yourself a proper education in rice grain polishes from the list of over 200 bottlings, you’ll be looking for some instant gratification. Although they’re in the middle of the room, the sake barrel-shaped bathroom stalls certainly provide enough privacy once inside.
Peep, 177 Prince Street, 212-254-7337 A neon pink wet dream with perfectly decent Thai food, Peep is known for its one-way mirror bathroom doors, which add a kinky edge to any mid-Massaman romp. If you’re having trouble climaxing, try focusing on the noodle slurps of your fellow diners as they lap away at their plates like sexy anthropomorphic cats. Don’t judge. It’s Valentine’s Day, baby — anything’s fair game.
Public, 210 Elizabeth Street, 212-343-7011 With its card catalog wall and industrial vibe, Brad Farmerie’s atmospheric New American restaurant is the perfect place to stage any sexy librarian role-playing fantasies. Once you get in the bathrooms however, you’re greeted by a sea of green tile. If you’ve ever dreamed about getting it on in the Land of Oz, then it’s high time you let your partner pay attention to what’s behind that curtain.
Beauty & Essex, 146 Essex Street, 212-614-0146 The reigning dark prince of downtown, Chris Santos knows how to lay the foundation for a party. To wit: The ladies room at his flashy Lower East Side den of delights plays host to an endless supply of Champagne poured liberally by genial staff . Thirsty gentlemen looking to enjoy such hedonistic delights don’t despair — just pull a Bosom Buddies until you get inside a stall.
Grand Central Oyster Bar, 89 East 42nd Street, 212-490-6650 Soaking up copious amounts of history and oyster brine can give even the most PDA-averse person a case of the underpants vapors, and when the old-timey pharmacist that lives in your lover’s pants writes a sexy prescription, you’ll want to head to the restaurant’s backdoor saloon, where a gender neutral lounger offers two furniture options for creative genital pairings. For the ladies, a vivid red leather couch shaped like a pair of lips. Men are left to sit while they spin in a chair shaped like a baseball mitt — play balls, indeed.
Morimoto, 88 10th Avenue, 212-989-8883 The downtown denizens who used to touch tips in the bathrooms of dearly departed Tribeca Canvas can console their Morimoto-loving private parts at the Iron Chef’s eponymous sushi palace. Illuminated cherry blossoms reflect off mirrors, giving the private stalls a futuristic feel. Robotic TOTO toilets with heated seats and “rear cleansing” bidets further seal the deal, and the blaring house music that pumps through the speakers will hide any involuntary sounds, leaving you to reenact a much sexier version of the futuristic lovemaking scene in Demolition Man in relative peace