Alec Baldwin Takes Ball, Goes Home


Alec Baldwin is done with all you tiny, pathetic ingrates. New York has just gotten too mean. A man can’t live peacefully in this town anymore. The days when you were free to call people “queens” and “faggots” and “cocksucking fags” as you saw fit are over. Alec Baldwin bids you to say goodbye to these.

That was the news last night from New York magazine, whose cover story this week features a first-person from Baldwin, declaring, “I Give Up.” (On Vulture, New York‘s culture blog, the piece is billed as ““Goodbye, Public Life.”)

It’s Baldwin’s passionate denunciation of the media, as well as New York City and pretty much everybody in it (Shia LeBeouf, Rachel Maddow, Joe Scarborough, er, Bill de Blasio). He declares that he’s done trying “to communicate with an audience playfully like we’re friends, beyond the work you are actually paid for.” His withdrawal, he adds, is because he’s been labeled “a homophobic bigot by Andrew Sullivan, Anderson Cooper, and others in the Gay Department of Justice.” And barely 100 words into the piece, he uses an anti-transgender slur. Good God, Lemon.

Baldwin writes that he went to shoot a film in Hawaii, shortly after the incident in which he called a paparazzi a “cocksucking fag” (though he insists he actually said “cocksucking motherfucker or whatever”). While in Honolulu, he went to speak with a gay rights group. There, he adds, he learned about “the torment of LGBT life” for kids in traditional Hawaiian families, as well as “words and their power.” He learned about those things, he says, from “an F-to-M tranny.”

In the midst of his comprehensive soul-searching, Baldwin never dug quite deep enough to figure out that “tranny” is a slur. But it’s unimportant, because Alec Baldwin isn’t homophobic, merely misunderstood. He has lots of gay friends. He is, in fact, “awash” in gay people. The gayest kind of gay people: actors.

“I’m not a homophobic person at all,” he tells co-author Joe Hagan. “But this is how the world now sees me. I haven’t changed, but public life has.”

Baldwin’s withdrawal from his adoring public presumably means there’ll be no follow-up to Baldwin’s MSNBC show, canceled after the “fag” incident. He is also presumably done repeatedly kinda-sorta running for mayor, especially if he makes good on his threat/promise to move to L.A. The only window we’ll have into Baldwin’s soul will come in the form of his wife Hilaria Thomas Baldwin’s Instagram.

They’re mere crumbs from the magnificent table that is Alec Baldwin’s presence, but we suppose they’ll have to do. We have all failed Alec Baldwin, every one of us, and this is the price we pay.

Next: Twitter reacts to Baldwin’s announcement.