We’ve built a culture that breathlessly responds to the reckless id of horny rock stars. It’s either another colorful facet of pop culture or the crumbling of our basic human values, depending on how you look at it. What we do know, is that gross white men sticking their penis into esoteric things is a tradition that is not going to change for quite some time. So while we’re living in this phallic age, we might as well do our best to evaluate it. Below, you will find a host of weird things rock stars have allegedly put their penis in. We’re judging style, hilarity, memorability, improvisation, and of course, immortalization.
See also: Ten Metal Albums to Hear Before You Die
Tommy Lee – Breakfast Burrito
In Motley Crue’s biography The Dirt, Tommy Lee famously puts his penis in a breakfast burrito in order to prevent his girlfriend from smelling the groupie residue on him. You’d think that perhaps soap would work, and that is precisely why you are not a rock star.
Mike Ness – Mike Ness’ Mouth
The lead singer of Social Distortion can reportedly suck his own. Though, if it were true, you really think they’d have put out as many albums as they have?
Jimi Hendrix – A Plaster Mold
Do you think as Jimi Hendrix was sliding his penis into a plaster mold he suddenly became aware of his mortality? Do you think permanently inscribing his dong reassured him?
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Socks
The Red Hot Chili Peppers putting socks on their dicks is probably the second most memorable thing about their band … right before Point Break and right in front of the guitar solo in “Scar Tissue.”
Gary Glitter – The Entire Country of Thailand
The less said about this one the better.
Tommy Lee (Again), Bret Michaels, Kid Rock, Anyone Who Wore Skull T-Shirts In The ’80s – Pamela Anderson
Hey ,we’re not throwing shade. It’s awesome how Pam Anderson has etched out a weird little niche for herself. Has there been a human more perfectly designed to sleep with people in metal bands? Sorry Carmen Electra! Pam Anderson’s simply on another level.
Trent Reznor – Pure Fucking Darkness
So this is a technicality, but we think you know where we’re coming from. Maybe someday we’ll have the answer to our longstanding national question, did Trent Reznor put his penis inside that pig head?
Jerry Lee Lewis – A Cousin