Everything I Know, I Learned From Biz Markie


Last week, the self-professed “inhuman orchestra” Biz Markie turned 50-years-old. The beloved clown-prince of hip-hop has spent a good chunk of that Diabolical half-century making hip-hoppers laugh while they nod their head. In a genre where, outside the occasional punchline, there isn’t a whole lot of laughter, Biz’s infectious charisma and one-of-a-kind comedic timing has always gotten him a pass, but ensured his status as a certified hip-hop legend. Biz continues to delight hip-hop heads of all ages, most recently becoming a regular on Nick Jr.’s “Yo Gabba Gabba!” But along with making us smile, he’s instilled some absolute wisdom on us over the years too.

To celebrate Mr. Markie’s 50th Birthday, along with his back-to-back shows this Wednesday at Biergarten and Thursday at Brooklyn Bowl, we’ve put together the wisest words from The Tao of Biz.

See also: Live: Biz Markie Regales A Bunch Of Ad-Agency People, And Why Not

“Just a Friend”

Lesson Learned: Never trust a girl who says she just has a friend if she’s incredibly suspicious about the whole ordeal, to the point of almost cartoonishly taking advantage of your good-natured idealism, like the kind you display around Agnes, Agatha, Jermaine, and Jack.

“The Dragon”

Lesson Learned: It’s important to be constantly vigilant as to whether or not you have bad breath as it may prey upon you by a stealthy means comparable to espionage.

“T.S.R.: Toilet Stool Rap”

Lesson Learned: Some of the greatest works of art ever created were conceived while sitting on the toilet, as it’s the idea location for brainstorming.

“Romeo and Juliet”

Lesson Learned: William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet is worth seeing, as recommended by Biz Markie. Also, they had sex.


Lesson Learned: The more successful you are, the more people will suddenly realize how great you are and attempt to take advantage of you. This happens seasonally.

“Pickin’ Boogers”

Lesson Learned: If someone assaults you in public by flicking a booger at you, the proper response is to retaliate with a barrage of boogers that returns five-fold.

“Albee Square Mall”

Lesson Learned: The more time you spend at a mall, memorizing every square inch and making friends with its employees, the more right you legally have to declare it your place of residence.

“Alone Again”

Lesson Learned: Sometimes, no matter how crowded things are, we all wind up by ourselves It’s how nature intended. Also, Gilbert O’Sullivan’s will seemingly not let irony stand in the way of you gaining name recognition off of his work.

Biz Markie performs at Standard Hotel Wed., April 16 and Brooklyn Bowl Thurs., April 17.

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