Did you watch the most recent Wrestlemania? I didn’t. I also haven’t had a Mountain Dew in seven years. I guess this means I’m finally an real adult, which means I should do the mature thing and write a list for an audience of people who are mostly hung-over and sitting in cubicles. Instead, I’ll be tackling the topic that’s obviously been on everyone’s minds: music acts that should have been performing on the wrestling mat instead of the stage.
6. David Lee Roth
Perhaps the original incarnation of Andrew W.K., David Lee Roth is a living commercial for gum or maybe a prescription drug with dangerous side-effects. He’s always excited and jumping unnecessarily and probably wind-sails in his free time. Pair the attitude up with the fact that he actually worked as a paramedic for a few years, and David Lee Roth would make a perfect wrestler as “Dr. Desire,” a kooky, exuberant dreamboat ala Shawn Michaels, the sexiest wrestler.
Finishing Move: “The Doctor’s Orders” — it’s just a dropkick. But it’s performed after slapping each white spandex-clad ass cheek three times.
5. Tiny Tim
Hell, he’s already got the name for wrestling. Tiny Tim was an interesting guy that remains fairly overlooked as an artist and completely overlooked as a menacing maniac with a Miley Cyrus flesh-colored unitard and a persistent cough. In the trash-talking segments, Tiny Tim’s manager, Tommy Teen (a pint-sized albino wearing a checkered suit), would do the majority of the talking while Tim strummed away on the ukulele, singing gibberish in his trademark falsetto.
Finishing Move: “Tiptoe Through the Graveyard” — Tiny Tim smashes a ukulele over your head, obviously.
“The Meat Eaters”
I know what you’re thinking: you wanted to see GWAR on this list, didn’t you? Pfft. You wanted pizza rolls, so I give you sushi rolls: Peter Steele from Type O Negative’s original band of post-apocalyptic warriors clad in spiked shoulder pads that wielded clubs and axes. There could eventually be an image change and they could show up wearing bloody aprons and carrying butchers knives if you want to go the whole cannibal route.
Finishing Move: “Jack Daniels and Pizza” — Carnivore gives you its signature Brooklyn hospitality, forcing you to drink Jack Daniels and eat pizza as fast as you can for five minutes straight. Then Pete, standing at 6’6″ (the height of the beast) punches you in the gut.
“Some Bumblebee Bullshit”
Stryper is the dumbest looking band in the ’80s, which is the equivalent of saying “the worst smelling bus station bathroom in Morocco.” I don’t want to honor Stryper by devoting time to think of a gimmick for the band, as its members were already so gimmicky on their own, playing Christian hair-metal in bumblebee costumes. They would lose, always.
Finishing Move: They all hold hands around you and emit a loud buzzing noise until you pass out or die or something. Doesn’t really matter because they’d lose every match anyway, like the bunch of jobbers that they are.
“The Blizzard Beasts”
Immortal is a Norweigan black metal band. They had a video where someone was breathing fire and another member of the band was wearing a witch’s hat. The band’s former guitarist, Demonaz, got tendinitis in his arm from shredding so fast all the time. They also all have beautiful hair.
Finishing Move: “The Church Burner” – Frontman Abbath breathes fire while Immortal’s beefy drummer Horgh performs a Satanic ritual around the collapsed body of their foe. The lights in the arena spontaneously turn off and when they turn on a few minutes later, all that remains is a smoldering pile of bones.
1. John Popper
“Blue Bayou Boy”
Everyone knows John Popper lost a lot of weight and stopped wearing that cool fishing vest. But had he chosen a different path, the formerly heavy harmonica howler could’ve entered the wrestling world as the Blue Bayou Boy, a down-home big ol’ boy with a penchant for literally throwing his weight around. As I’m looking up pictures of the guy, the idea runs through my head that maybe I shouldn’t be making jokes about a dude who got arrested with fourteen weapons in his car. While probably pretty stoned.
Finishing Move: “The Popper’s Popper Popper” — the Blues Traveler initiates a devastating chokehold and forces his opponent to huff some amyl nitrite (otherwise known as a “popper”). Our soulful hero then climbs to the top and performs a seated butt drop on the dazed challenger. After being announced as the winner, his coach dumps a bucket of crayfish over his head.