This 4th of July weekend, when you’re throwing your dogs and your burgs and your watermelons and your corns and your sausages and your Budweisers on the grill, someone at some point is going to pop some tunes on the old jambox to really get the Que cranked to 11. But, given the importance of the weekend to anyone who cares about true independence, only certain artists are appropriate to play. Here now is the approved 4th of July playlist for real Americans. Play anything else and risk deportation.
Anything by Creedence
Duh
Anything by Fogerty
Duh
Anything Bruce
Except “Born in the USA,” duh.
Anything Bon Jovi
Duh
Bon Iver
Only after everyone’s had their fifth plate of Que and is reaaal tired.
John Bonham
Only his drum solo on “Moby Dick”
Bon Scott-era AC/DC
But only the Bonfire box set.
Anything by Thin Lizzy
Duh.
Avicii
Only “Hey Brother” duh.
No One on This List
Duh.
Or This One
Duh.
And Especially Not This One
Duh.
Yellow Tears
Duh.
Hank
Jr., not Sr. And no III. Duh.
Van Halen
But no Van Hagar until you’ve had at least four strong Cabo Wabo margs, duh.
Anything you can think of with the word “America” in it, duh…
VIOLENT FEMMES
AMERICAN MUSIC
NEIL DIAMOND
COMING TO AMERICA
BIKINI KILL
REJECT ALL AMERICAN
ANIMANIACS
THE PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES
MELT BANANA
SURFIN’ USA
BLONDIE
FRENCH KISSING IN THE USA
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
AMERICAN EYES
BLUR
LOOK INSIDE AMERICA
NIRVANA
FOURTH OF JULY
MC5
BACK IN THE USA
2 LIVE CREW
BANNED IN THE USA
MISFITS
AMERICAN PSYCHO
KIM WILDE
KIDS IN AMERICA
JAMES BROWN
LIVING IN AMERICA
GALAXIE 500
FOURTH OF JULY
JOHN COUGAR MELLANCAMP
R.O.C.K. IN THE USA
TOM PETTY
AMERICAN GIRL
LIAM LYNCH
UNITED STATES OF WHATEVER
JIMMY BUFFET
AMERICAN PIE
SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK
FIFTY NIFTY UNITED STATES
That’s it. That’s all you can play.
HAPPY 4TH!
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