Today, the people of Boston pause from their daily grind to pay respects to their most cherished native sons: Godsmack, the universally revered critical darlings of modern rock. From the official Republic Records press release:
NEW YORK, NY — To mark the release of Godsmack’s sixth full-length album, 1000hp [Republic Records], Boston’s Newbury Comics store at Faneuil Hall (1 N Marketplace #336 Boston, MA 02109) will host “Godsmack Day” on Wednesday, August 6th. As part of the festivities, Godsmack will be on hand to sign albums and Boston’s Mayor Martin J. Walsh will declare August 6th “Godsmack Day,” in recognition of the band’s Boston roots and long success within the music industry. Longtime WAAF radio personality Mike Hsu will introduce the Mayor at 4:30pm.
For those who can’t be on hand to witness this momentous occasion, we’re thrilled to provide a transcript of the mayor’s proclamation.
WHEREAS their contribution to the American rock and roll landscape is widely recognized as supremely important; and
WHEREAS nu-metal continues to be the dominant art form in America; and
WHEREAS the successful radio format of “Active Rock & Hard Alternative” may have otherwise met its unfortunate and untimely demise following the breakup of Creed; and
WHEREAS Godsmack are revered as “Hard Rock Titans” by the Rockstar Energy UPROAR Festival’s website and each of their albums has received a solid three Stars from Allmusic; and
DESPITE THE FACT THAT Godsmack is the sort of major cultural institution that need not humiliate itself and its publicists with the kind of low-rent autoerotic PR stunt usually associated with local Moose Lodges; and
WHEREAS the group beat Linkin Park, Staind and 3 Doors Down for the 2001 Billboard Music Award “Top Rock Artist” honor which definitely does not seem like a dire injustice even despite the almost unimaginable shittiness of their field of competition; and
WHEREAS the YouTube videos of the most worrisome conduct by America’s soldiers overseas need an appropriately chuggin’ soundtrack; and
WHEREAS the $2.99 CLEARANCE bins of our proud nation’s last remaining record stores would be incomplete without 30 copies of that pierced-up redhead girl album; and
WHEREAS the band’s name is absolutely nowhere even close to the dumbest band name in history and the band’s logo most certainly does not look like a tattoo your dipshit cousin drew on his own thigh in jail with a lighter and a Bic pen; and
WHEREAS the mayor of one of America’s great cities apparently has nowhere more important to be and nothing more important to fucking proclaim on this midweek afternoon; and
WHEREAS the single “Cryin’ Like a Bitch” deserves official permanently documented recognition in the annals of Boston history alongside Paul Revere and that Tea Party and whatever the hell else; and
WHEREAS I, the mayor, have absolutely listened to tons of Godsmack and without suffering any of the alleged debilitating dumbfuckedness and chronic Chevron Station lighter shoplifting arrests so often unfairly associated with Godsmack listeners; and
WHEREAS all assembled at this hallowed Newbury Comics location are miraculously not banned for life for stealing Spawn back issues,
THEREFORE, I, Mayor Martin “MARTY” J. “MARTY” Walsh of Boston, do hereby proclaim, comma, Wednesday, August 6th, 2014 as
In the city of Boston and, God willing, all throughout America and the cosmos.
Thanks to Ned Raggett for hooking me up with the press release.