Sports and music go hand-in-hand — it’s pumped out of every stadium in America, we have jock jams, and, like the “San Diego Super Chargers,” some of the oldest traditions in professional team sports are inextricably tied to specific songs. It’s why the Miami Dolphins will play that godforsaken fight song every single game they play. It’s why those organ bleats will ring out in baseball stadiums until the Earth is swallowed by the Sun. These two industries need each other. The rest of us will just have to deal with it.
With that in mind, we’ve highlighted some teams that have demonstrated some particularly bad taste in recent years.
The Edmonton Oilers: “Don’t Stop The Party” – Pitbull
The Edmonton Oilers, a blue-collar, rough and tumble team and city where Wayne Gretzky would cement his legacy, play a Pitbull song when they score a goal. I don’t really have to explain why this makes me sad, Edmonton is smackdab in the middle of Alberta and already has to deal with plenty of bitter stereotypes from stuck-up urbanites, but honestly picking a Bob Seger song would be a better way to dissuade the haters than, you know, motherfucking Pitbull.
Boston Bruins – “Kernkraft 400” – Zombie Nation
The Boston Bruins are one of the oldest institutions in American culture, yet they use a song that was exclusively used to hype up my youth group about worship retreats in 2002.
Seattle Mariners: “Ice Ice Baby” – Vanilla Ice
OK, so maybe it’s unfair to put the entire franchise on notice for one player’s indiscretion, but Blake Beavan does play for the Mariners, and he does walk up to “Ice Ice Baby.” We can pretty much confirm that Blake Beavan thinks he’s a lot funnier than he actually is.
Miami Marlins: “Marlins Will Soar” – Scott Stapp
The Miami Marlins continue to be the tackiest sports franchise in the known universe, and honestly this lightweight butt-rock fight song from noted dickhead Scott Stapp is only like the third or fourth most embarrassing thing they’ve ever done. But still, you’re the only team in baseball that has a former member of Creed rhyming “game day” with “double plays,” that counts for something.
Miami Heat: “Seven Nation Army” – The White Stripes
Look we don’t want to harp on Miami too much. It’s a genuinely gorgeous city that gets far too much hate, but when your fans are known for leaving playoff games early and appropriating literally the most cliché sports chant known in America, you’re not exactly escaping our judgment. My favorite moment in recent NBA history was when Spurs fans started chanting “Seven Nation Army” in garbage time of last year’s Finals, douche-shaming has never felt so good.
Milwaukee Brewers: “Take a Look Around” – Limp Bizkit
This is the song Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Lyle Overbay walks up to every at bat. Lyle Overbay is a 37 year old man. I’m starting a kickstarter to buy Lyle Overbay a Spoon record or something.
Winnipeg Jets: “Hell Yeah” – Rev Theory
I’m imagining a nightmare scenario where I’m trying to introduce someone to the NHL, but the game we’re watching is an ugly, stuttering mess, and when the puck is unceremoniously jammed through the five-hole this song starts playing and the person I’m with refuses to watch hockey ever again.
Baltimore Ravens – Whatever the hell this is
This actually helps me understand why everyone from Baltimore seems to be so angry all the time.