The plodding Eternity: The Movie has only the best intentions: to send up the ’80s along with the terrible, synthesized whiteboy r&b of the era. But the godawful voiceover narration by Barrett Crake immediately telegraphs the film’s sluggishness and lack of imagination. Todd (Crake), a Midwestern kid who moves to Los Angeles, meets fellow musician B.J. (Myko Olivier), and they form a terrible pop duo called Eternity.
Some period montages happen, and they rise to the top of the charts before falling in love with the same woman. Meanwhile, the dialogue is overgrown with moronic gay entendres that the characters are too stupid to get and that most audiences are too enlightened to laugh at. The jokes are slow and obvious, and the editor lingers over every one like a sleepy drunk over a basket of tater tots, stoically holding the shot long after any reasonable person would have concluded that a punchline had occurred.
The songs are authentic enough, though. The composer was really, really good at writing forgettable, saxophone-laden pop. Good job! Eric Roberts slums hard in a bit part as a clothing retailer with a nasal drawl, and Jon Gries works about as hard here as he did in Napoleon Dynamite. Comedy about halfwits who are deadly serious about mediocre pop was better fielded by the Web series Yacht Rock, and with way less homophobia.
Are the screenwriters and director Ian Thorpe overcompensating for anything? It doesn’t exactly leave unsightly stretch marks on plausibility’s sexy, bare midriff.