Recently, in an interview with Hello! magazine, that sappy dude with Ashton Kutcher hair, James Blunt, apologized for his double-platinum song “Beautiful.” Referring to it as “force-fed down people’s throats” and “annoying,” Blunt has openly admitted his grim misdeed in writing the 2005 anthem for the parade of the horribles.
While the right thing to do would be to forgive our friend with the dope-smoking last name and possibly even check out his more recent material, we are not fair and righteous people. We are petty, callous, and vindictive. More importantly, we hated that song and still have to hear it in elevators and while waiting on hold in telephone hell as we attempt to negotiate medical-bill payment plans.
But there is a chance to earn salvation in the bleary-eyed and hungover hearts of embittered music critics everywhere. So, James Blunt, we encourage you to take note as we spell out the six things you must do to truly apologize for that atomic fart of a song you’ve passed upon us all. It’s a linear, step-by-step process that we’ve made easy for you to follow. Now, look, before you continue, James, I want you to be warned that some of these are a little on the harsh side. So if you’re starting to get the blues, just remember that you’re worth $18 million, and the author of this article has glued the sole of his boots back on three times in the last month.
6. Apologize for Your Entire Career
As you’ve probably noticed, to everyone, you’re that douchebag who wrote that one song that has probably been used in countless advertisements for despicable films I’ll never watch and beauty products that I wish people didn’t feel like they had to use to feel OK in our society. And that might not even be true — maybe you clung to your indie singer-songwriter roots and refused to license the song out to unsavory organizations. But no one will ever know, nor will they ever care. Because all they think of when they think of you is, “James Blunt, that’s the dude who wrote that leaky diaper of a song, ‘Beautiful.’ ”
Because your name has been so rightfully stained by the turd you carelessly unleashed upon us, you have no choice but to assume your new and improved title: “The Dude Who Wrote That Song and Felt So Bad That He Apologized for His Entire Career”. Hell, Phil Collins did it — and he actually had a hand in making some decent music with Genesis and Brand X at one point.
5. Make Every Couple Who Played “Beautiful” at Their Wedding Get Divorced
It’ll be like that My Name Is Earl show, where you can spend your entire life going around and atoning for the wrong you have done.
4. Apologize for Maroon 5, Too
It doesn’t matter that you have nothing to do with this band. Maroon 5 is not going to apologize, ever, so step up, young man. Give us the penance we need — we don’t care who it’s actually from.
3. Only Sing the Weird Al Version From Now On
Look, people are going to ask you to sing this song again. I know, I know — but hey, there’s a lot of total assholes out there. Now, it’s probably just going to be a bunch of weird hill people up in the really racist and scary part of Idaho and Montana, but these horrid beings will come to you and they will want you to sing “Beautiful” to them. We both know that we can’t really let that happen, but you’re going to have to appease these people somehow. Thankfully, Weird Al did us all a tremendous favor and made his own version of this song, leaving you with the insipid melody to still work with. So take advantage of that and sing the song without actually singing the song.
2. Spend Time in the Oubliette From Labyrinth
While we’re all working through the healing process, you’re going to have to go away for a while. If you’ll recall from the documentary film Labyrinth, in which a young woman tries to save her little brother from a floppy-donged lionfish, there was a pit that Sarah found herself in. Called an “oubliette,” it was a dungeon where people were kept and meant to be forgotten. For the sake of society, you’re going to have to spend a little time there while the world figures out what atrocity to force upon us next. You won’t have to stay there forever as, eventually, we’re going to have to make room for the members of that band Magic! and all of the instruments they use to conjure up their demonic brand of reggae.
1. You Have To Listen to It
We’re all sorry this had to happen, but you really gave us no choice. Dude, just listen to it. C’mon, man. After this has been done, we can open up a Stargate or necroportal or whatever and you can leave our dimension forever. One last time, the whole way through. Goodnight, sweet prince.