So you powered through another Thanksgiving with nothing to show for it but a low-level hangover, snug AF pants, and some “educational” brochures from your creationist cousin. Now you probably have 30 tabs open looking for a better deal on a personal drone that your dad will use once and then throw in the junk room (a/k/a your childhood bedroom). But you needn’t waste your time perusing Amazon, Best Buy, and Walmart’s online sales to find the best bang for your holiday buck. It turns out New Yorkers have a ton of shit they want to get rid of. And it’s a helluva lot more interesting than anything considered among the hottest holiday gift trends for 2014. So here’s the first official Village Voice Cyber Monday Shopping Guide for People Looking for Other People’s Unwanted Treasures:
MANWORKS: A guide to style, $0.01-$19.99
Before there were #swag and leather sweatpants, there was MANWORKS. This 1980 style guide for men includes a plastic-surgery chapter entitled “fixing your face” and is packed with helpful illustrations of crucial bro tasks like removing one’s shirt while squatting in a Speedo and smizing in a wine-filled jungle bathtub. This is legitimately an amazing gift that can be found both at the Green Village Junk Shop at 276 Starr Street in Brooklyn, as well as on Amazon.
Hillary Rodham Clinton’s Head Mask, $10
There’s no better holiday topic than politics! Slip on this headband-era Hillary mask wordlessly at Christmas dinner with your ultraconservative family or sub it in for the turkey when no one is looking. Either way, calm conversation and general merriment are guaranteed. Like MANWORKS, Hillary’s face is available at the Green Village Junk Shop. And don’t worry about losing out to that other person who, just like you, absolutely has to get Clinton’s head for that special someone in your life. There are others like it on eBay.
La Dame “print painting,” $175,000
This pretty, pretty lady will haunt your dreams and drain your bank account faster than you can type “creepy oil painting” into a Craigslist search. The fanciest of Craig’s offerings is this affordable $175K “print painting” of Ragnilde, the little-known Teutonic 5th Golden Girl. Snap up this charmer for your Lifetime-watching best pal and let her sensible haircut and penetrating gaze add merriment to any holiday tableau.
Clean Urine, $25/oz
Remember when you ran into Hacky Sack Sal in the old Blockbuster parking lot after Thanksgiving? You guys should definitely get the band back together when you’re home for Hanukkah, but also you’re probably gonna want to buy this before that job interview. It’s worth a trip to New Jersey when there’s the promise of clean piss upon your arrival. You can find this liquid gold on Craigslist.
1973 Cessna 177B, $55,000
People like to throw around that statistic that more people die in cars than planes to shame you for your fear of flying. Now you can just murmur “prove it” and casually toss them the keys to your fucking Cessna. The one you bought on Craigslist.
“Picaso inspired” [sic] Horse and Boy Painting, $500
If you’ve ever wondered how best to display your NAMBLA membership without giving your bestiality hobby short shrift, look no further than this 4.5-foot-tall oil painting of two innocent pals — one of whom is a naked boy. The other is his horse. Who needs decorative gourds and jumbo candy canes when you’ve got this? It’s basically Guernica.
Mary Tretter “Catch me if you can” Doll, $10
“Stevie” is just one of a collector’s doll series that features small children acting like tiny assholes. Place this li’l devil in the recipient’s bathroom while he or she is sleeping for a surprise the whole family will love! They’re only asking $10 for this thing?!
Child’s Painting Depicting Battle Between Child With Parasol and Sentient Coat Rack, $25
You know what’s lame? Fuckin’ homemade-ass gifts from kids. It’s like, make me an ATV or something, kid. Or, Christ, at least get me a G-D sandwich and a cold one. You wanna really mess with your kid’s head? Get him or her some other kid’s painting for Christmas. See how they like that shit. Jerks. This particular painting, one that features what looks to be a young girl taunting a coat rack with a parasol, is currently fetching $25 at Green Village.
Manifestation Painting, $600
It’s time we finally recognized how woefully underrepresented the reptile sex community is in contemporary art. This subtle tribute, going for a cool 600 bones on Craigslist, is a long-overdue step in the right direction.